Angels May Laugh, and So may You
by Jack Nief the Mighty Thief
Summary: The Final Chapter is up, up up!! Nowhurry up and review!! :D
1. Half-Human, Half-Demon, All Idiot

Angels May Laugh, And So May You  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Ah, it seems that I don't own Devil May Cry. Capcom does. Oh, and I don't own South Park, nor do I own Dracula X, Final Fantasy VII, Onimusha: Warlords, Silent Hill 2, The Bouncer, 13 Ghosts, Resident Evil or anything else I may have forgotten to put down here…enjoy, FOR THE KING OF SUMMONS/AEONS/ESPERS/GF/EIDOLONS DEMANDS IT!  
  
  
  
CHAPTER 1: Half-Human, Half-Demon All Idiot  
  
  
  
The midnight sky was as dark. No shit, Midnight is ALWAYS dark. The only illumination was the Moon, street lights, and the Pink Neon Sign Labeled "Stripper's Joint." However, That was mostly spray-painted black by Dante, who put under that had a Cardboard sign labeled, "Devil May Cry."  
  
A figure seemed to fall from the moon, screaming what seemed to sound like, "....ssssshhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII--" Before the figure could finish, it hit the ground with a dull thud.  
  
"OW!!!!" the figure shouted, revealing that it was a woman. "So I insulted the damn Flight food! WHO GIVES FLYING F**K??????". Apparently the plane either had no ears, no interest in the conversation, or was too far away, as it had gave no reaction.  
  
She turned around, her outfit slightly shining with the street lights....before a pigeon pooped bird crap on her vest, and her arms, and between her half-visible....pillows. She was certainly pissed from her free fall to the Earth, now she had to deal with the pigeons. She stuck up a hand, which glowed a deep yellow. Soon after, a beam shot from her palm, incinerating the bird into a miniature fried chicken.  
  
"Stupid flying shit factory." she mumbled. Noticing the Stripper's Joint, she thought she was in the wrong place...again, for the 9th time. Then she noticed the Cardboard sign under it. Unless it was a fake sign that was to tick people off, she was in the right place.  
  
  
  
In the former strip Joint….  
  
The phone was ringing again, probably another stripper wanting to sign up. Dante picked up the phone.  
  
"Devil May Cry, How may I help you?.................GODDAMMIT, FOR THE LAST TIME!! THIS IS NO LONGER A STRIPPER JOINT! THAT'S DOWN THE STREET!" He hung up. "......This sucks worse than a vacuum...If this keeps up, and I don't get that password I forgot--" He was cut off of his own thinking by the bashing in of his door. A girl in a Black Vest and Blue Jeans riding a tricycle was on the remains. "That door was unlocked, you know? You know how much doors cost these days? Cute bike."  
  
The girl remained silent for a few seconds. "You lost a Mother and Brother to evil 20 years ago, right? The son of the Legendless Nightguy, Spidey....Mr. Dante?"  
  
"It's 'Legendary Dark Knight Sparda!'" Dante shouted.  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"Anyway, yeah, I'm the guy who hunts down demons like you. Thought that If I'd killed enough of you I'd hit the jackpot sooner or later." Dante holds up a slice of Pizza to the Girl. "Wanna slice?"  
  
The girl laughs at the offer. "Sure." at soon as she took her hands on the slice, she threw it back it him. Nothing totally unique happened.  
  
Dante just looked at the slice of Pepperoni Pizza that he offered, now on his chest, which slowly fell to the floor, leaving a trail of cheese, pepperoni, and sauce on his newly washed red vest. "What the hell was that…?"  
  
"Um...could...could you just, you know, fling yourself into your desk? First hand me that sword right there."  
  
Dante realized that she's talking about the Force Edge, the sword wielded by his Demonic Dad, right next to his desk. He handed the sword to her. What did she want with a rusty old sword like that?  
  
"Now, smash into your desk...please?" She asked. upon agreeing, Dante jumped backwards, smashing into the desk, which had moldy pizza boxes, and newly bought ones on it. Now he had pizza on his vest, in his hair, and a pain in his ass. The girl threw the sword at Dante. The sword had just impaled him. Nothing more. Since he was part demon, this only meant for him saying, "Ow."  
  
"Didn't Spidey teach you how to use a sword correctly?"  
  
"It's SPARDA...and what the hell're are you talking about??? You just threw a sword at me!"  
  
"Good point. I'll have to throw something else."  
  
The girl lifted the Bike she came on at Dante. Dante, who realized she was trying to kill him by means of a tricycle, took out a pair of Super Soaker squirt guns, and started blasting the bike like a frigging maniac. Amazingly, the water was enough to give the bike rapid oxidation, lighting it on fire. Who knows how that happened? The lady jumped out of the way of the bike.  
  
"Okay, just so I can refresh your memory, I'm a friggin' DEMON! Thus I cannot be pierced by pronged, pointed, or otherwise sharp stuff…well I can be stabbed, but I can't die, cause of the demonic blood in me. What was I saying..? Oh. Just tell me why I can't shoot you?" Dante said.  
  
The girl stood there like an idiot, trying to think of why he can't shoot her yet. Then she realized. "Oh yeah! Cause I'm not your enemy!"  
  
"…You threw a perfectly good slice of Pizza at me, made me destroy my desk, stabbed me, and tried to crush me with that pink tricycle of yours!! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU NOT MY ENEMY?!" Dante shouted.  
  
The girl soon said, "Cause I need to tell you that I have to make you stop the guy, Mundus from taking over the place on an island somewhere. Eventhoughitwillseemeasyatfirstimgointodoublecrossyouandgetyoutohatemebutint heendwe fall in love and live happy ever after. By the way, name's Trash...I mean Trish!"  
  
Dante thought about this for a second. "Okay, Trash, erm, Trish. Where to?"  
  
Due to the lack of story and such crap, they magically appeared on Mallet Island in the next few seconds.  
  
"Now what Lady Lame?" Dante said. Soon after, he started to shake. "Oh man....." He takes a small pill container from his pocket and downs all the pills in a single gulp.  
  
Trish stares at him. "What was that??"  
  
"Medication."  
  
"For What?? To help you remember there's a huge sword sticking out of your front??"  
  
Dante realized that, not even once since he was stabbed, did he notice at his Dad's Sword stuck in his chest. He took it out of his chest and holstered it on his back.  
  
"Actually, it means I'm gonna change into the most disgusting, most twisted, most evil thing God had ever created....."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
".................................................................Barney."  
  
The scream followed by that was loud enough to reach into other systems, mostly the PSX Games right next to the PS2's. There happened to be a copy of FF7 misplaced near the end of the box.  
  
Cloud  
  
"What are you trying to make me do??"  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Cloud turns around, accidentally stabbing Aeris. Sephiroth falls from the ceiling, laughing his possessed ass off.  
  
In a copy of Onimusha, this was heard.  
  
Samanosuke: Even If I die...(Long pause of English translation. If you listen closely, you can hear Samanosuke's voice actor saying "Godamnit I lost the next page! We got to stop before I get an embarrassingly long pause! Oh wait, here it is!")...I will destroy you!  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Apparently, the scream was enough to force Nobunaga who was slowly walking to the chamber, to say "F*** this!!" and run back up the stairs. He was soon crushed by falling rubble.  
  
Anyway, cut back to the Drug Demon and the screaming girl.  
  
"--HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Trish finished. Dante had almost gone deaf.  
  
"Cheeses Cripes, bitch! Where hell did you learn to Scream like a freakin' Banshee??? I was only kidding!!"  
  
"STAY AWAY!! BACK, You Monster! BAAAACK!!!"  
  
She jumps up to the castle and runs inside, locking the door. Dante followed the narrow path, picking up a weird yellow face-thingy. He continued on until he saw a blue light.  
  
"Go into the light...." he told himself. He soon made contact with the light, and it turned out only to be a blue stone. "DAMN ROCK!!!" He picked it up and threw it into the ocean. Little did he know these stones were put around randomly to save his sorry demonic ass.  
  
He soon came to a crack leading into the castle. Sweet. Like Candy. Thought Dante.  
  
Dante took two steps into the Crack, and somehow walked right into a sign. OW! Dammit. where'd that sign come from?? Realizing no matter what direction he looked he'd still see the sign, He read it's contents. MISSION 1: CURSE OF THE BLOODY PUPPETS. Bloody puppets?? What the hell? Dante thought it was some kind of weird joke. Hmmmm....... He soon bursted out, "I LOVE PUPPET SHOWS!!!" And continued on through the crack. He forgot one thing—  
  
SMACK!!!  
  
—which was to press Start Mission. He finally realized this, and did so.  
  
Magically, Dante became an idiot for humor's sake after that one tiny mistake.  
  
Dante looked around the Great Hall. The only things that stood out were the Riding person and The annoyingly Huge statue. One of them is going to kill someone. This left his mind as his attention turned to the floating red orbs Oooooh...pretty. Dante thought running over to it. He soon came tearing back, followed by the evil orb. Dante, the idiot who thought the orb was trying to eat him, went tearing around the first floor. Eventually, Dante tripped over his untied Bootlaces; he and the orb collided. Dante didn't notice anything except numbers hovering 30 feet over him changed from 0 to 1. He picked up another. 2. He picked up a large one. 7. He thought this weird contraption was amusing his pea-sized brain.  
  
Dante continued searching until he could find no more. He found another stone, which he, again, decided was of no use. Damn blue rocks! Dante said with annoyance. He only saw two doors. The first he tried to open was locked, and the second had a Red covering on it.  
  
Out of Curiosity, Dante poked the red covering. He knew that this covering had a strange purpose....an evil one...However, thinking of Danger was too scary for Dante, who continued poking this strange red blanket of evil blocking the way. He got bored and threw a Red Orb at it. In front of him, there was a sign that said, GAVE 45 RED ORBS. The covering took the form of a hand and shattered. Dante looked back at his favorite counter. It was back at 0.  
  
"NNOOOOOOO!!! GIMME BACK THOSE F***ING ORBS YOU PIECE OF SHIT DOOR BEFORE I GO CRAZY AND HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND DIE!!!!"  
  
The door remained silent.  
  
"HEY!! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, DOOR??"  
  
The door gave no response.  
  
"I SAID, GIVE ME BACK MY ORBS!!!!!"  
  
The door seemed to move slightly. Dante thought it responded, but it was actually the wind messing with the hinges. Dante paused for a second, before saying,  
  
"YOU JUST FLIPPED ME OFF, DIDN'T YOU?? EAT HOT WATER!!" Dante again took out the squirt guns he called Ebony and Ivory. He repeatedly fired the hot water onto the door, rusting the hinges, until they gave loose, allowing the door to the floor, giving him back the 45 Red Orbs. "Damn, I'm good..."  
  
Dante took a step through the door. There wasn't anything special, just broken tables, old stairs, and rusty weapon storage. He climbed the stairs for 8 hours, mostly due to the fact of being fascinated by each and every brick...yelp, you read right. EVERY tan colored stone.....As soon as he got up all the stairs, he saw a steel puppet in the shape of a Jester. A really LARGE puppet.  
  
Above him was a hole in the floor, or hole in the ceiling. Either way, it led to another one of those fun orbs, and another floor. Dante hopped onto the box under the hole, and to the orb itself on the third floor. He looked around and saw another puppet. In his hand was another glowing yellow thing. He picked it out of it's hand.  
  
Dante turned to take it to the locked door (It just "came to him.") Just before he could make it to the hole, a pair of throwing darts whizzed by him. Dante turned to see the Puppet now in a Throwing position. Dante thought if it was always like that, then continued onward to the locked door. However, blocking his path now was another demon puppet. With sharp pointy things for hands... Dante wondered if taking the key was the most intelligent thing to do. 


	2. The Sword in the Stoned

Angels May Laugh, and So May You  
  
Disclaimer is on Chapter 1. Oh, and BTW did I mention I wrote these Chapters during Christmas?  
  
  
  
  
  
CHAPTER 2: The Sword in the Stoned  
  
  
  
Dante was still in a retarded state when he faced the Marionettes.  
  
".........." said the Red Mari evilly.  
  
".........." said the green Mari in reply, waving his arms  
  
Dante stood in glee. "Yay!! A puppet show!!!" he screamed. He picked up the Green Mari and put it next to the Red one. "Entertain me!!"  
  
The Marionettes stood still, starting to shake nervously.  
  
"(this guy's f**ked up.)" said the Green Mari.  
  
"(Yeah. Let's kill em.)" the other Mari said.  
  
The Red Mari jumped towards the Mental Dante and sliced his arm open. Lots of Blood. Dante looked up and saw a Green bar drop 1/7 of the way. Dante looked at the big gaping wound in his arm. It took him five minutes to realize this....  
  
"I think I'm Bleeding." Dante said. His Meds kicked in. ".........heh.....hehehehahaha... ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"  
  
He actually managed to whip out two real pistols. The Green Marionette hardly had time to even say "SHIT!!" before being blown into oblivion. The Red Mari had time to turn around, but no enough time to move, as the Rusty Sword on Dante's back was now in his hands, and it turned each piece of Metal on the Marionette into 6 pieces. "NEeD MoRe ReD oRbS!! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!" Dante laughed maniacally. He flipped down the hole onto the poor Jester Mari, who just came to life, blowing it into pieces. He looked at his arm and started drinking the blood. His meds soon wore off. And was back in a normal state of intelligence….sort of.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHABLOODBLOOODBLOOOOOD!!...............blood...why am I shouting Blood? He notices the Dead Maris, the Green Bar, Orb Counter, and his Gashed arm. "What the hell?" He checks his pockets. A rusty key...two Squirt Guns, Sword, Green Stars, Yellow face things, Red dot counter, green bar, a rock, some pennies, and Booklet called 'Meds and You', lots...and lots...andlotsandlotsandlotsandlotsandlotsandlotsandlotsandlotsandlots of Meds. That many...? "How'd I ask for so many???"  
  
Dante thought back a couple days...He remembered going into a pharmacy practically Stoned out of his Mind. "Excuse me sir, are you all right?" the Pharmacist said. "Gimme shome drughz" Dante said "You seem drugged...this medicine will help keep you away from Heroine....or whatever you're on. Stay in your car outside tonight. Don't drive." That's all.....before he woke up in his car. Staring at a bunch of Med cases. Miles away from the Pharmacy. He thought they might help calm his nerves, and keep him from Cocaine....  
  
It's a shame when Pharmasists accidentally put the wrong labels on things. Instead of getting anti-cocain drugs, he GOT cocaine....idiots.  
  
Dante never realized this either. He was too high off of it to even care.  
  
  
  
Back in Dante's world, he finished thinking and decided to try the rusted key on every locked door. Only one, this led to a plane room. with lots of hanging Maris. He looked around and saw a door. he tried to open it but saw the message, "The 17 puppets are my Masters. There will be no admittance with my Masters around."  
  
"That's nice...open the hell up..." Dante said with a happy smile.  
  
The Door did not move.  
  
"Please?"  
  
The door gave no reaction.  
  
"OPEN!!!"  
  
The Door remained idle.  
  
"I SAID—"  
  
The door swung open and smashed Dante into the wall.  
  
"ARE YOU GODDAMN DEAF?!?! I SAID NO ADMITTANCE UNTIL MY 17 MASTERS ARE GONE!!!!!"  
  
The door quickly slammed shut.  
  
Dante thought about the door. What did this door want??  
  
It soon hit him like a brick...  
  
CLUNK!!  
  
"OW!!" Dante said, rubbing his head, then slashing that damn brick into tiny pieces. He picked up all the Marionettes hanging around and threw them out the window. As a result, there were 20 Red Orbs gained and a new Green colored orb. Upon picking that one up his once Orange Bar Grew to a green condition. Wow.  
  
The Door opened.  
  
"I'm slick." Dante laughed. He opened the Door. But upon the attempt he only grabbed air.  
  
"I'm already open, Dumbass!" The door shouted.  
  
And walk into another screen. saying MISSION CLEAR. It seemed that his 1st Mission took 8:36:07. And he had picked up 67 orbs. He got a ranking of D. Well....it was my first time! I had to get SOME kind of shitty grade! 10 more orbs I got. YAY!!!!  
  
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAVE?  
  
"Hell no....I've done enough rescuing today."  
  
CONTINUING MISSION....  
  
"ACK!!! NOnononoonononono! I want to go home and return these-- Meds....Mmmm...." Dante downs a single container. "EH!" He said. "Continuewiththefrigginmissionsyoustupidsorrybastardorigoandosomethingmeanan deviltoyou!!!"  
  
MISSION 2: JUDGE OF DEATH  
  
"I know I am." Dante said.  
  
His "Meds" magically wore off.  
  
Dante looked around....just more Maris.  
  
Dante takes a single step. Lots of clanging metal. Maris AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaallll ova' da place.  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYMorepuppetshowshahahahahhahahayahoo!! Start entertaining me!!"  
  
The Marionettes stood there. One of them started to sweat.  
  
"(Uh, the hell?)" one said.  
  
"(He's the guy that killed Terry and Mark, the f**ker!!!)" said another.  
  
Dante took out the two squirt guns. "I said entertain me!!"  
  
The Maris quickly obeyed and started smashing into each other, causing Dante to laugh so hard he couldn't stand. Soon, There was only one left.  
  
"(Umm..Greg?....Jeff???? BOB???)" it said.  
  
"I'm getting BORED...." Dante said. "Maybe I'll just get some orbs from your uneeded soul."  
  
"(Uhm wait I'm not a dangerous guy! I want a refund-...crap.)"  
  
Lots of Rusted Metal and Red Orbs fly around, banging into random stuff.  
  
200 Orbs now.  
  
Dante continued down the granite hall. Soon he came to a door. And a stone Maiden.  
  
"Ooh....a Lady impaled by a sword...."  
  
There was a voice in Dante's head.  
  
"I am Alastor...............DANTE???? YOU STONED SHITHEAD I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NEVER TO COME HERE, YOU TOOK ME TO THAT DUMP OF A RESTURANT!!" The voice shouted.  
  
"..........Hi Alastor! I'm Dante!......I could've sworn I heard that name before...."  
  
"THIS ONE'S FOR NOT LISTENING TO ME!!!!"  
  
The sword "jumped" out of the statue started twirling around. And for no reason, stabs Dante and staples him to to the floor, and electrocutes him. Dante's hand twiches.  
  
Blink. Blink.  
  
"Now I remember her!" Dante said. "She's the girl that dumped me 8 years ago!.....I didn't know she could turn into a sword..." Dante tried to pull Alastor out of him. "Umm...hey Alicer..."  
  
"Alastor, rocks-for-brains." Alastor said. "And WHAT?"  
  
"I'm stuck."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Can you just get off me?"  
  
"My Blade's in the ground, idiot. It'll take 86 Car Magnets to get me out."  
  
"..........You mean...."  
  
"Yep....you gotta riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisse out."  
  
".........This....is reeeeaaally going to hurt."  
  
"Just you though."  
  
Dante tried to slide up outta the sword to get out. Loud screams were heard, although most of the Monsters looming around the house didn't seem to care.  
  
Somewhere else in this huge freakin' castle….  
  
Two monsters were listening to the screams of Dante.  
  
"Whoa," said one. "What the hell made him scream like a girl so loudly?"  
  
"He Probably tried to think." said the other. They both burst out laughing.  
  
Back with our "hero"…  
  
As Soon as he got out He reached back, pulled Alastor out of the ground, pulled off quick techniques as glass from out of nowhere slowly fell to the ground. He holstered Alastor on his back.  
  
".........................HEY!!!! YOU SAID THAT IT'D TAKE 86 CAR MAGNETS TO GET YOU OUT!!!" Dante said.  
  
"God, I love it when you're gullible." Alastor zapped.  
  
"That's it! I'm breaking you in half!"  
  
"You wouldn't dare!"  
  
"Yeah I would."  
  
"NO....you wouldn't."  
  
"YES....I would."  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES FOR THE LAST TIME!" Alastor shouted.  
  
"NEVER!! YOU CAN'T FORCE ME TO BREAK YOU IN HALF!!!!" Dante said in return.  
  
"Okay then..." Alastor said. "It's settled."  
  
Dante thought about this. "........................................................................... ..............................Okay."  
  
Dante noticed a pretty Blue Gem on Alastor. "Oh, what a pretty little--"  
  
ZAP!!!! Upon touching the rock, the last 3 seconds of Dante's memory are wiped clean.  
  
"Oh, what a pretty little--"  
  
ZAP!!!!  
  
"Oh, what a pretty little--"  
  
ZAP!!!!  
  
"Oh, what a pretty little--"  
  
ZAP!!!!  
  
"Oh, what a pretty little--"  
  
ZAP!!!!  
  
"Oh, what a pretty little--"  
  
ZAP!!!!  
  
"Oh, what a pretty little--"  
  
ZAP!!!!  
  
"Oh, what a pretty little--"  
  
"KNOCK IT OFF!!!!!" Alastor shouted.  
  
"Knock what off?" Dante said.  
  
"That is an electric gem. Touch it and DIE!!!"  
  
"Right....don't touch Gem....."  
  
Dante looked at the wall that Alastor was on. "..............Was that Always showing Grim Reaper? Or did it have something before that?"  
  
"Dunno…Were you stoned when you picked me up, or were you just cramming it all up your ass? Just go into the closest door here....namely the one to your left."  
  
Dante turns to see that there IS a door to his left, so he went in. He found stuff. A Boomstick and Rusted Key.  
  
He went back into the hall to see LOTS of new Maris.  
  
"DANTE WHAT ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE FOR??? KILL THEM!!!!!!!!" Alastor screamed.  
  
"With WHAT?" Dante asked.  
  
"Hmm....how about the SHOTGUN and....Myself!!!!"  
  
"But....but they're going to do a puppet show!"  
  
"With your bones and SKIN, probably!!!"  
  
Dante starts to shake. He gulps down 8 cases. They soon kick in.  
  
"Let's rock, Baby!" Dante said with an evil laugh. He goes into a Devil Trigger State. "Ohh....I look cool...." Dante wipes the floor with Marionettes, splattering Blood everywhere. Dante soon runs out of DT Gauge. "What the hell....? I wanna go back into that cool Demon Mode again!! Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeooooooooooooooooon!!!!!"  
  
"You're not going to enjoy this..." Alastor said. "But you gotta kill more of the puppets."  
  
"Mustkillmoremustkillmustkillmustkill...." Meds shut off. "Killkillkill..kill.....kill? I KILLED A PUPPET!!!.........Oh well....never did like them."  
  
Dante goes into the locked door. He offed a bunch of Marionettes, and continued through the other door on the second floor, and had to push a coffin back.  
  
Slash... Not much happened…  
  
slash.........  
  
slashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashs lashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashsl ashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashsla shslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslash....  
  
  
  
Click!!  
  
Dante falls through the trap door. Into a plant infested room...seems the the toilet pipes were leaking because the entire floor was covered in piss and liquid feces. Dante looked at a staff.  
  
"Ooh...a Staff of Judgement. I can smack people now." Dante said.  
  
"....Were you dropped on your head in early childhood, or were you born this way?" Alastor asked. "IT'S A DECORATION!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Behind, A door revealed itself. It lead to the library, where he got the Shotgun and key. Dante tried to leave, but the door sealed.  
  
"HEY LET ME OUT!!!!!"  
  
The door did nothing.  
  
"I SAID OPEN!!!"  
  
The door stood still.  
  
"Rrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaggghhhhhhh!!!" Dante kicked open the door. As soon as he left, the Sin Scissor Sisters appeared.  
  
"(........Dammit! He got away!!)" said one.  
  
"(This is the absolute LAST time we let Bloody Mary Ann drive!)" said another.  
  
"(So I got sidetracked by all the fast food places! SO KILL ME!!)" said the third.  
  
The other Sin Sisters proceeded to do so. Now, back outside with Dante....  
  
"......I......." Dante said staring at the floor.  
  
"Dante...let it go....!" Alastor said calmly.  
  
"I.....h...hate....." Dante said still looking at the floor.  
  
"Run for your lives!! Run!!! RUN!!!" said a tiny voice.  
  
"I...hate..........SPIDERS!!!!" Dante finished taking out a shotgun and blowing each little Spider to pieces and to hell.  
  
"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooshit! Now Phantom's gonna be pissed!" Alastor said.  
  
"Who?" Dante asked.  
  
"No one." Alastor said. "At least, not a giant Spider from the very depths of Hades, coming to take your innocent soul to Hell for it to suffer all eternity."  
  
"Oh that's good....I hate Spiders."  
  
"...............If you are this dumb, how is it that you've lived this long, and not mistake a stick of Dynamite as a pixie stick?"  
  
"Just lucky, I guess."  
  
"Shut up and get your ass through that damn Death Door Dipshit!"  
  
Dante obeys his ex-girlfriend's command. He put the Staff in Death's stone hands and walked through the open door.  
  
Darkness was there,  
  
And nothing more.  
  
Dante flipped the light switch on revealing a kind of odd room filled with breathy type thingies. 


	3. GIMME A FREAKIN' FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!!

Angels May Laugh, And so May You  
  
Disclaimer on 1.  
  
  
  
Chapter 3: GIMME A FREAKIN FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!!  
  
  
  
Dante walked inside, Alastor on his back. He looked around.  
  
"I'm not going any further." Dante said, oblivious to the door sealing behind him.  
  
"Well, I don't think you have much of a choice." Alastor said.  
  
Dante turns to see that his exit is now sealed.  
  
"HEY!! I NEED THAT EXIT!!" Dante shouted.  
  
The door did not speak.  
  
"YO!! I MIGHT GET EATEN BY SOMETHING EVIL!!!"  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"THAT'S IT! I'M GONNA--"  
  
"SHADDAP YOU DRUGGIE!!" Alastor shouted.  
  
Dante decided out of nowhere to follow the carpet to the Pride of the Lion. A voice said,  
  
"To obtain the Pride, you must pass the trials, then you are worthy." A beam shot out of the crystal into another door. It shot through Dante's arm, but he didn't notice right away. He was admiring the power of this crystal. His arm, magically, healed, and so did his cloak. He went through the unlocked door.  
  
Outside, Dante watched the ocean. Then, he puked over into the water. Damn seasickness. Dante thought. Damn Castle..damn sword.  
  
"You can go to hell too." Alastor said. "I Forgot to tell you, I can read your evil, sleazy, perverted mind."  
  
Dante continued walking. And then he stopped and read a sign saying, "Go back." He had nothing better to do, so he did...  
  
ZZZAAAAAAAAP! Dante got zapped out of Nowhere, and a sign fell from the sky. "Deep Breath."  
  
KERPLUNK!! The bridge collapses and falls into the ocean.  
  
"Can't breathe!...NEED...Aaaaaiiiiiiirrr!!" Dante said, gagging.  
  
"You ass, your part demon. The only thing you need to fear is standing here for 5+ minutes, THEN....you is dead.! Now run to that platform thingy." Doing so, he locks himself in the place, with lots of ghostly skulls. However, the barf had gotten into their systems, so they popped instantly. The Platform lit up, and Dante stepped on it. He was teleported to the "Go back" sign side. He saw another infamous Blue Rock.  
  
"THAT'S IT!" Dante shouts at the rock. "YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING ME AROUND MORE THAN ENOUGH!! NOW YOU WILL DIE!!!!"  
  
"Go ahead...kill your source of survival." Alastor mocked.  
  
"Eh...what?"  
  
"The Blue Orb Fragments you are always seeing are FRAGMENTS OF LIFE!...There are about 44 around this place. They'll save your worthless pale hide, but you need 4 to raise health. Pick up 4...and then you'll see what I mean."  
  
Dante picks it up. He gets a message saying exactly what Alastor said. He carefully jumps back to the castle side.  
  
.....  
  
.....  
  
.....  
  
.....  
  
.....FINE! It takes him 12 hours to figure out how to jump! And 6 MORE hours to get to the end!!  
  
Although It took him so long. It remained noon. Dante just wanted to nab that stupid Pride of The Lion. He picked up PoTL on the altar.  
  
Alastor looked up(as much as a sword could, anyway). She saw a very, very, VERY large magmatic spider crawling on the ceiling, dripping fiery goo onto the floor. It slowly crawled to the center, but it lost it's grip, shouting, "SHIT!!" on the way down to the floor, ending with a huge FOOOOM!!! The spider got off it's back and looked at Dante.  
  
"Baaaagh." The big evil Arachnid said. "Another small one! I sensed something a little bigger! What a disappointing catch!"  
  
"............................" Dante said.  
  
"...................What?" The spider, called Phantom said.  
  
"........sp................."  
  
"What are you sayin'?"  
  
"Spi.....spid.............."  
  
"Alasta, what's this human trying to say?" Phantom asked Alastor.  
  
"Phantom, honey, he's trying to say he's got a fear of--"  
  
  
  
"SSSSSSPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIDDDDERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!" Dante screamed like a school girl. This shattered all the glass in the house, and in the 13 Ghost House, allowing the ghosts to feed on humanity.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaagh! My arachnidic ears!!" Phantom said. "I'll make you shut up now!!!!!!!" Phantom raises a claw.  
  
"No, you gotta catch me first--shit!!!" Dante said starting to run, but soon he was tumbling onto the floor, rolling until he stopped at a pillar.  
  
"Whoa, what happen?" Phantom asked Dante, who looked like he was in some pain.  
  
"I TRIPPED OVER YOUR DAMN SUBTITLE, THAT'S WHAT!!!" Dante said with some difficulty. "NOW GIT YER SPIDER ASS OVER HERE SO YOU CAN FIX MY SPINE!!!"  
  
"Aparrently, I didn't help."Alastor said.  
  
"SHAD-DAP YOU F***ING BITCH OF A SWORD!!!" Dante shouted at Alastor.  
  
KZZZZAAAAAAP!!!! Dante looked in even worse pain now, due to Alastors Electric Chair-like shock.  
  
"Don't you...EVER...call me a bitch again!!!" she shouted.  
  
"Auugh.....Uuuagh...." Dante said. Meds start acting up again. "Hahaha....MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!" Dante eyes the firey Spider. "Oooh. Looks likE soMeone FoRgOt To TuRn OfF tHe OvEn!!! SoMeOnE gImMe A fReAkIn FiRe ExTiNgUiShEr!!!!BwAhAhAhAhAhAhAhAhA!!"  
  
"THE HELL???? WHAT'S THIS GUY DOIN' ALASTA???" Phantom shouted nervously as Dante popped his spine back in place, with a rather nasty cracking noise, and drunkenly walked toward him.  
  
"He's been drugged! Run, Phantom! He's worse than in his Devil State!!" Alastor shouted. Too late. Dante was already slashing away at Phantom, who didn't have time to climb to the ceiling. Phantom's only hope was to go underground. He did so, but Dante managed to nab a piece of his tail. Dante, out of his own insanity, started eating the tail. "MmMmMmMmM....tHaT's A vErY tAsTy TaiL!!" Meds die again. "tAiLtAiLtAiLtAiL...tAiL...tAiL......tAiL...tAiL....tail......tail.......... .what? TAIL??? What the hell am I shouting 'tail' for? And how am I standing...?" Dante looks at his hands, noticing the magma eating them through. ".......................coooool...." Dante said. "................................wait........" Dante took a deep breath, and...  
  
Silent Hill 2, James running from some faceless Nurses, with Maria close behind.. Then......  
  
  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMYF***INGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD! ITISOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGET ITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOU TGETITOUT!! GETITOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!"  
  
All the bubble-faced nurses' heads pop, Maria goes crazy, and James goes deaf.  
  
In Resident Evil Code Veronica X, Claire finds herself surrounded by Zombies, in a Danger Health, then......  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMYF***INGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD! ITISOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGET ITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOU TGETITOUT!! GETITOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!"  
  
Not only did every zombie head in the game in the game pop like grapes, Claire, Leon, Ada(who isn't dead BTW. What do you think the RE3 Epilogue was?), Jill, Barry, Chris, and EEEEEEEEEEEEEVERYONE else who remained alive in the RE series went Braindead for an hour.  
  
Back on Mallet Island...  
  
"My hand......burned......." Dante said, trying to put his hand in icy water....he did.  
  
  
  
In the Bouncer, Sion and Kou are fully kicking Mugetsu's ass in the flight to the Galeos, with Volt flying the ship, when...  
  
"YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!"  
  
This causes the ship's controls to malfunction, sending it plummeting to the Earth. Galeos also falls from the sky, into a Tokyo Restaurant, causing $109,560,000,000,000 in damage. Squaresoft is sued. Nobody was hurt, just a huge amount of destruction.  
  
In Afagistan, Usama bin Laden is hiding in a cave, waiting to Ambush U.S. forces, when....you know it....  
  
"YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!"  
  
This causes the ceiling to fall onto Usama, with blood flying out of his evil ass.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" shouted Kyle.  
  
"They killed Bin Laden!" shouted Stan.  
  
"You Bast--" Kenny was about to shout, when he realized what just happened.  
  
"Wait a second..." Fatas-- I mean, Cartman said.  
  
".........................Hurrah for Capcom!" They all cheered.  
  
Back with Dante, again...  
  
"Dayum...that hurt...." Dante said.  
  
"You're telling ME?? I NEARLY DIED!! OR GONE DEAF!!!" Alastor screamed at Dante. "No more Meds unless I say you can.....what do those Meds do, besides drive you crazy??"  
  
"They keep a Demon from taking over my mind. It's gonna be hell when I run out."  
  
"So, in order to keep your inner Demon from taking over, you gotta swallow some pills to make it too high to think?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"..........That is the most f***ed up shit I've heard up to date. Now, let's keep on going."  
  
"Right..........bitch."  
  
KZZAP!!!  
  
"DAMMIT! I SAID DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Scratch one Bin Laden! (Die, you son of a bitch, DIE!!) 


	4. The Good Guy, The Bad Ass, and the Fugly...

Angels May Laugh, and So May You  
  
The Disclaimer is on Chapter 1 Dammit!  
  
  
  
CHAPTER 4: The Good Guy, the Bad-ass, and the Fugly  
  
Dante and Alastor were heading to where to use the PotL, when...  
  
CRASH!!  
  
Dante turned around to see a giant spider running towards him. It was Phantom, screaming,  
  
"YOU STUPID #$%#@#%#^$#$%^#$%^#$$#$%$%$#^$#^$^$^$^$^$%ING LITTLE ASSHOLE!! I CHERISHED MY TAIL!!! NOW YOUR GONNA PAY!!"  
  
"................Alastor, does this mean I should do something?" Dante asked.  
  
"Hmm. I do not know, Dante." Alastor said, sarcastically. "But...I do have an idea. How about......RUN YO' F***ING ASS OFF!!"  
  
"Ahh." Dante said. "Gotcha." Soon, Dante was running down the hall, screaming madly.  
  
"Madly!! Maaaaaaadly! Madly I say, MADLY!!!" Dante screamed while running down the hall. He ran into the room with the Lion Statue. Dante decided to use the PotL (Pride of the Lion, for all of you who decided to be an ass and skip the third chapter.)  
  
The Lion's forcefield disappeared. Nothing else. It just sat there. Crickets chirped. Galaxies formed. Species evolved. Universes collapsed. Dante picked his nose. Alastor sneezed. Monsters prowled. Hannity and Colmes continued to argue.  
  
"This ain't fun." Dante said. He started to shake again. Alastor felt dizzy.  
  
"Dantoid, down some meds. I hate to see you in an even worse form….which is quite hard." she said.  
  
Down 8 packages of Meds. Went crazy. "HEY, Lion Shaped Rock Formation, what did you call my Mama?" He asked with a Jim Carry-ish grin.  
  
Silence for a minute.  
  
"OH, so now you're insulting my Dog, eh?"  
  
"....." The Statue responded.  
  
"DieyousunuvabitchDIE!!!"  
  
Dante proceeded to slash the living crap outta the rock. Alastor got a headache. The rock shattered and a black shadow slithered out.  
  
"OW!! Jeez man, if you wanted a fight, just say so!!" the Shadow said. The shadow then jumped in the air, spinning like a saw, and came down on Dante. Dante had magically found 8 Blue Fragments, so it only took off slightly less than 30% of the big green bar. Dante took a swipe with Alastor. Just a big clang, and a Counter-Attack, knocking the bar down to the 60% zone. Dante was still crazy, so he took out a Shotgun, and blew the mother away. He magically got a fragment, and access to the Stairway. He killed a bunch Marionettes, and when he got to the top, he looked down, saw a long fall, and lept over the railing to his 80 ft. plummet.  
  
Dante woke up just after he lept.  
  
"Huh?" he said. Then he looked down. "................shit...."  
  
The following could be heard in another copy of Devil May Cry.  
  
A normal, non-drug addicted Dante is rehearsing his lines.  
  
"Ahem...'Devil May Cry....sorry we closed at noon.'"  
  
"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
  
"What the hell?" Dante said, hearing Dante's scream. "Must've been cats fighting." Dante ignores Dante, and rehearses some more.  
  
Back with our Main (druggie) hero, Dante landed perfectly on his feet.  
  
.......  
  
.......  
  
.......  
  
.......  
  
.......You're good at telling when I'm lying. He landed face first onto the floor, though feeling loads of pain, not decreasing the now-full green bar above his head. Dante looks around and decides that he has to hit the round switch to get back up. He hits a switch. A platform in the middle of the floor lit up. He stepped on it, and he went up to a mean-looking gold sword hanging on a wall. Too bad it was a decoration and can't be used as a weapon. He picked up the sword, turned and saw that the platform he used to be on go back down to it's starting place.  
  
"Daaaamn....." Dante said, looking stuck.  
  
"Well, you could just hop down to your rather appealing death." Alastor said.  
  
Dante thought about this. "........................................................................... .........................Okay."  
  
"ACK! DANTE!!! I WAS ONLY KIDDI--"  
  
Alastor was cut off, as her weilder stepped off the ledge....  
  
...onto a walkway in front of a door. Out of curiosity, Dante went into the door.  
  
SMACK!!  
  
"Ow... hey, watch what you're writing!" Dante said.  
  
Fine!!! Bastard.....  
  
Went THROUGH the door....HAPPY???  
  
"Very." Dante responded.  
  
...Into a large Bedroom, with lots of Red Orbs on top of the Bed. Dante looked around and saw a Statue-lady with a Melancholy Face. And an orb stuxk in her mouth Dante stabbed her with the Sword, "Death Sentence."  
  
"OW!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR??" said the statue, spitting out the rock.  
  
"I need that Melancholy Soul." Dante said.  
  
"Christ, all you needed to do was ASK!!".  
  
Dante's reflection in the mirror next to the statue sneeze.  
  
"Gazughnteit." Dante told his reflection.  
  
"Thank you." Said the reflection.  
  
Then Dante realized that reflections don't sneeze without the real one sneezing. He turned to see his reflection walking out of the Mirror.....  
  
......Or trying to, anyway, as it fell back when it hit the glass. Watching it walk into the mirror and then falling on it's reflective ass was actually kind of entertaining. Then the reflection decided that he wasn't going to try walking through the mirror any more, and kicked the mirror open, and stepped into the real world. And then it changed into a Devil Knight, aka Nelo Angelo. This guy was ugly. Make that FUGLY.  
  
"Ooh, finally someone WORTH talking to. Do you know how to get out of here?"  
  
"............" The Knight said. It tried to snap it's fingers, but doing that with sharp pointy-things on it was quite impossible.  
  
"Dante, snap you fingers." The Knight ordered.  
  
"Why?" Dante responded.  
  
"JUST DO IT!!"  
  
"Tell me why, dammit!"  
  
"Because this is the only way your going to make progress through this place and your back exit is blocked."  
  
It just so happens that this one sentence will be the longest line to come from him.  
  
"WHAT??" Dante turns to see the exit back to the walk way is blocked."..........Fine."  
  
Dante snapped his fingers. The door opened to the courtyard.  
  
"Fight." the Knight said, jumping over the railing, tripping on his cloak, falling to the ground, and knocking himself out.  
  
Dante, since he is a birdbrain, decides to hop down to Nelo Angelo. Nelo Angelo wakes up, and they fight. Stuff happened. Nelo got hurt, and jumped to a higher platform. Dante followed, and whooped ass. Nelo Angelo jumped to another high Platform. Dante finished the job.  
  
Nelo dizzily walked around. Dante got bored, and attempted to stab Nelo. Nelo knocked the sword out of Dante's hand, and they both went into HtH Combat.  
  
"Come on, asshole." Dante taunted. "I'll spatter yo fugly face all ova' da place, and use the rest o' ya to clean it up! I'll kick yo ass to next Week! I'll--"  
  
Dante got nailed square in the face with a solid Left Punch, and dropped to the floor.  
  
"Ow." Dante said.  
  
Nelo picked up the Drug-guy, and started laughing for no reason. A Gem Necklace fell from Dante's coat. Nelo Angelo dropped Dante, got himself electrocuted, somehow, and he flew away.  
  
"HEY COMBACK! I NEED TO GET EVEN!!" Dante rubbed his forehead. "Uuuuuuuuuurghyoustupidpileofsnakeshituuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrggghhh......"  
  
Dante soon forgot that Nelo Angelo existed. He looked at the Melancholy soul he had. He saw a button on it labeled, "PRESS ME" Dante did so, activating the Melancholy soul and a countdown timer. 


	5. LOTZ AND LOTZ O' BUGGZ

ANGELS MAY LAUGH, AND SO MAY YOU  
  
  
  
You get the Idea. Chapter 1 is Disclaimer.  
  
CHAPTER 5: LOTZ AND LOTZ O BUGGZ  
  
"Ooh, cool!" Dante said, amazed by the numbers counting down rather fast.  
  
"That's a timer, stupid." Alastor said with a sigh. "It keeps counting down to the end of the Mission. If it hits 0:00:00, you gotta start over. My suggestion is get to the floor at the bottom of the tower, PRONTO!!"  
  
"(NOT SO FAST BASTARD!!)" said a voice. Out of the door popped a Sin Scythe. Out of another wall popped another. Another rose out of the ground.  
  
"!!!!" Dante said.  
  
"..............What the hell??" Alastor said. "Is that even a word??"  
  
"No...it's an exclamation group!"  
  
"(SILENCE!!)" said a Sin Scythe. "(Now, you won't escape us this time....)" it proceeded to laugh, then was joined in by the others.  
  
"Well, Dirtbrain, you killed us. Proud?" Alastor sighed.  
  
"Umm...." Dante thought. From all of Dante's experience, he knew that being dead was bad. He soon pointed at the sky. "Hey, look! A distraction!" The Sin Scythes turned to look at where Dante was pointing. Dante was then running to the bedroom to get down to the Sewers, and soon through the door. Three hours after the callout, the Sin Sisters soon realized...  
  
"(HEY!)" one spoke up from looking at the sky. "(...........Does Brittany Spears really stuff her bra?)"  
  
Two hours and forty-eight minutes earlier, Dante had made his escape to the sewers. Not noticing (or caring, for that matter) the timer disappear, and the loss of the Melancholy Soul, he soon discovered many of the sewers' inhabitants...  
  
  
  
"AHH!! Bad Crock!! Let go of my leg!! Go eat that giant bug--OOOWW!! DAMN BUG!!!"  
  
...learned what he'd eaten in the past month...  
  
"Fumes....making me dizzzugggh.....Gllllluuuaaaaaarrrphhhhhhh!!"  
  
...and proceeded to shake some more, and downed some more pills.  
  
"Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-he-he-he-he-he- he....DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!!!!!"  
  
His crazed mind forced him to enter the place with ANOTHER Rusty Key. Upon taking it, he released many king-sized bugs.  
  
He also wore out his meds.  
  
"...........Huh?" Dante takes a glance around the room. ".........this downright bites...."  
  
...Which is what the giant bugs proceeded to do. Although demonic, Dante couldn't withstand, (well, the green bar couldn't, but he could.) And he proceeded to hit the ground, although VERY alive, but with a less than empty Green Bar.  
  
A black screen with that yellow orb in the background was now visible, with text that said "CONTINUE? YES/NO" with a Yellow Orb counter down in the corner.  
  
"What the hell is this??" Dante wondered.  
  
"This, O Ye of Little Mindedness, is a Continue Screen." Alastor said. "It means you bit the dust... or at least when the Bar over your ugly noggin is empty. So....ARE YOU GONNA CONTINUE OR NOT????" Dante pondered for awhile. He then picked his nose. He scratched his head. He checked his inventory.  
  
  
  
Let's see....Dante thought. A sword, Alastor, a Shotgun, Ebony, Ivory, Rocket Launcher with no ammo. A Book of American History, An Ancient Book of the Wuu Sha....(I still need to figure out what language it's in, then LEARN the language) Knights of The Round Summon, a Space Quest Complete Package, book of Meds, lotsa Meds, and.....and....Dante rummaged through his pack. WHERE THE HELL'S THAT RUSTY KEY????  
  
"It's back where you 'died'." Alastor said. "It seems that you didn't save progress for some time."  
  
"..........AND?" Dante said with a lost tone."  
  
"You never saved at MISSION TWO..........remember....?"  
  
".....Oh yeah.....so.....?"  
  
"You gotta start aaaaaaallll over again....."  
  
"NNNNNNUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!"  
  
".....or.....you can use that Yellow Orb you've been saving...."  
  
"What's that do?"  
  
"Forces you to go insane, get a heart attack, and kill yourself."  
  
"Oohh...cool!"  
  
"GOD, you're a friggin' retard..."  
  
"Thanks for noticing."  
  
"IT STARTS OVER AT THE LEVEL YOU DIED ON!!!"  
  
"..........Oh....okay....."  
  
Dante then uses a Yellow Orb to start over at the door of his death.  
  
"Now, Dent Head," Alastor said. "Here's a great tip.....DON'T FORGET TO SAVE AFTER EVERY MISSION!!!"  
  
"Save whenever possible...gotcha." Dante replied.  
  
"And....when all else fails...which it most likely will…Devil Trigger!!"  
  
"Turn into Devil when 3+ DT Gauge is full...okedoke."  
  
Dante returns to get the key. He gets into the bug fight again. This time, he manages to get through the fight, with the help of the DT Gauge, WITHOUT getting drugged. (I'm surprised too.) Feeling that the locked door required this old key, he quickly went to that door, and unlocked it. Ahead, there was a group of shiny blue lights. Dante just walked through them, and was soon caught between both energy walls. Out of the wall came a DEATH SYTHE (Cue Thunder and Lightning)  
  
"(...........)" shrieked the Death Scythe.  
  
"............." said Dante.  
  
"((Glass Shattering))" laughed the Death Scythe.  
  
".....The hell??" Dante said puzzled.  
  
"(GODAMMIT!! NO ONE EVER TAKES ME SERIOUSLY!!!)"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"(Every time I try to be evil and mean, I always get laughed at!!)"  
  
"Well, first off, you got a Buffalo Skull for a head, and when you laugh, it's Glass Shattering."  
  
"(THAT'S IT! NOW YOU DIE, SON OF SPIDEY!!)"  
  
"IT'S SPARDA!!!!!!"  
  
"(Whatever. Now DIE!!)"  
  
"How about a bribe....Say.....520 Orbs?"  
  
"(Deal...you can pass.)"  
  
The DEATH SYTHE (Cue longer Thunder and Lightning) floats back through the wall, with it check of 520 Orbs.  
  
Little did it know that the check wasn't SIGNED!!(Bum Bum BUUUUUUUUUM!!)  
  
Nor did it care. It never knew of how checks work, or even attempted to know.  
  
  
  
Back with Dante, the bluish forcefield shuts off, allowing access to the Guiding Light. 


	6. THE IDIOT WINS AGAIN!

Angels May Laugh, And so May You  
  
CHAPTER 6: THE IDIOT WINS AGAIN  
  
Soon after retrieving the Guiding Light, Dante noticed the little green Bar above his head slowly dropping.  
  
"Dante, uh, why are you just standing there?" Alastor asked.  
  
"I was just watching this big green bar depleting, it's kinda funny." Dante replied.  
  
"How about you admire it after you plug the thing into the sun thing back at the top of the frickin' stairs?"  
  
"Sure…..but it's so beautiful!"  
  
Alastor, fed up with Dante, gives the strongest Electrical shock she's ever given him. Soon after, Dante was screaming wildly down the sewer hall.  
  
"WILDLY!!!!!" Dante screamed, then running to the other wall. "WILDLY, I say, WILDLY!!!!!!!"  
  
Being now blind with electrical pain, Dante accidentally goes back into the Rusty key room…(for those of you who have done the One-Eyed Terror Sub-Mission, you should know this room.)  
  
Alastor looked up.  
  
"……Hell." She sighed. Soon after, Dante regained his vision.  
  
"Alastor, what'd you say 'Hell' about?" Dante then notices the two Klyclopses staring at him with those big ass eyes. "Oh F**k………." Dante exits the door before he even realized what the heck the things were. Dante finally makes it to the top of the stairs, avoiding all the pesky bugs, and he almost made it into the bedroom when…  
  
Pbbt.  
  
Dante felt a slimy, gross, eeuugh-ish thing slide down his coat.  
  
Dante looked at his shoulder.  
  
"…………ALRIGHT!! WHO TOOK A SHIT ON ME?!?" he shouted.  
  
None of the bugs spoke.  
  
"I SAID WHO THE F**K TOOK A F**KING SHIT ON ME?!?!?!?!" he shouted again, loading his shotgun.  
  
"You know guys," Alastor started. "if you tell him, he won't be as mean to you all."  
  
One of the bugs spoke.  
  
"Umm, yeah, I'm Larry, and uh, I have a Bladder problem. So I just unloaded it all on you. And uh, it was funny." The Bug said. Soon after his body was liquefied by a Shotgun shell. He now makes a wonderful wall decoration, and can be yours for $9999.99!  
  
Dante uses the Guiding Light on the sun, who opens a door to the long high walkway.  
  
"Dante…?" Alastor asks.  
  
"I…REALLY…hate heights…" Dante said, peering over the edge.  
  
"Dante, you idiot. You're a DEMON!! JUMP ACROSS!!"  
  
"But what if I don't make it?"  
  
"….Well, some parts of you most likely will."  
  
"But I don't wanna—"  
  
KZZAP!  
  
"SHADDAP AN' JUMP!!!" Alastor shouted. Dante quickly obeyed and leapt to the other side… however, he was two feet away from the platform when he started to descend at a high velocity to the floor. Realizing he was going to fall short, he stabbed Alastor into the platform, and pulled himself up. When he attempted to grab Alastor, he received a slight shock.  
  
"GET…BACK!!" Alastor shouted. "I DON'T WANT YOU NEAR ME AGAIN YOU CRAZY BASTARD!!!"  
  
"Erm….Okedoke." Dante said, leaving Alastor halfway imbedded into the ground. Alastor soon realized what she said to him, and what situation she was in.  
  
"Uhh…hehe….HEY DANTE I DIDN'T MEAN IT!! COME ON!!!"  
  
Dante came back and took her out of the ground. He continued until he was outside. He went for the gate, but it closed before he could get through. Phantom appeared in the center of the place.  
  
"There you are!" shouted Phantom. "There ain't nowhere to run now! Now I can get REAAAL NASTY!"  
  
"….I was thinking I got rid of you… oh well." Dante said taking out his shotgun.  
  
Phantom seemed kind of nervous right now.  
  
"Alie! Make sure he plays fair!! My tail won't grow back for some time!!"  
  
After a fight, Phantom is about to fall over, but Dante is keeping him upright with continuous slashing. Phantom finally holds up a white flag.  
  
"You WIN, Awright!?!" Phantom screamed.  
  
"But you aren't dead yet. So, I must not have won yet."  
  
  
  
Phantom, having been beaten up enough, opens an Underworld portal, pulls out a suitcase, an old hat, and a bus ticket.  
  
"Listen, I'm not going to commit suicide just to show how powerful I am! I have had it serving that ass, Mundus!!" Phantom said to Dante before stepping to the edge of the rooftop. Phantom looks up at the sky. DO YOU HEAR ME, MUNDUS!? I QUIT!!" and he stepped off the roof. "I'll see you in the Museum of SCIEeeeeeeeennnccce……………" There was a loud splash and sizzling sound soon after. The sizzling noise was enough to shatter the glass that Dante and Phantom were fighting on. The Guy from Dracula X plummets from the sky and lands on the glass. But since there is no glass, he continues to plummet…onto the statue's spear. He exploded instantly.  
  
Under the hole, Trish looked up from her game of Poker with a Baby- Phantom, aka those weird tiny spiders.  
  
"Well," Trish said. "Looks like the Idiot beat the Phantom. Sorry, pal."  
  
Oh, Don't worry. I'm not mad." Said the spider. "Cause I won."  
  
"WHAT???" Trish looked at the spider's hand. He did win. Trish smashed the spider into the floor.  
  
Dante continued down that locked path to a Gear filled place, where he found a Grenade Launcher.  
  
"Oh, what's this?" Dante said, pointing the gun at his face.  
  
"Pull the trigger and you'll see!" Alastor said.  
  
Dante did and—  
  
  
  
KABOOOOM!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Aww poor Dante, too bad we aren't done with him. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa! 


	7. ¡Estoy el fuego activado!! (I’m on Fire!...

Angels May Laugh, And So May You  
  
  
  
Let's see…More Disclaimers coming up. I do not own Devil May Cry, Monkey Island, FFVIII, IX, X or Star Ocean 2.They are owned by LucasArts, Squaresoft, Capcom, and tri-Ace…or was it Enix?  
  
Well, I might have to up the Rating to R due to Dante's "insult".  
  
CHAPTER 7: ¡Estoy el fuego activado!! (I'm on Fire!!)  
  
  
  
Dante wakes up from his encounter with the grenade launcher.  
  
"Ow…Alastor, you're mean!" Dante whined.  
  
"Ohh….did that hurt lil' Dante Wante?" Alastor replied.  
  
"Uhh…"  
  
"Well, suck it up and drive on."  
  
"But I…"  
  
"Do you want another lesson in Electrotherapy?"  
  
Dante thought about this question. A second after he was clutching his head, from thinking too hard. He then came to the decision…  
  
"I wanna be a pirate!"  
  
Guybrush Threepwood steps into sight, smacks Dante, and walks off.  
  
Dante is confused by this situation.  
  
"What the hell was that??" He asks Alastor.  
  
"You can't say that cause George Lucas used it in Monkey Island 4." Alastor responds.  
  
Guybrush Threepwood steps into sight again, this time he's carrying a sword.  
  
"Come on! I challenge you to Insult Sword fighting! If you beat me, you can say lines from MI without facing a lawsuit! If I win, I SUE!!!!" he says, holding up the sword.  
  
Dante enjoyed sword fights, no matter how messed up they were.  
  
"I accept your challenge!" Dante says with a goofy smile, and holding up Alastor.  
  
It goes in this order…  
  
Guybrush: "Today, by myself, TWELVE men I've beaten."  
  
Dante: "What the hell does THAT have to do with anything?!"  
  
Guybrush: "You gotta insult me!"  
  
Dante: "Uhh, okay. Ahem…. 'You dumb, stench filled, malformed, pus-filled maggot. I'll tear out your eyes and pop them, you sick, twisted, mucus- filled rhinoceros pizzle! I've fought fat-eating, gurgling, brain dead people that were harder than you, you sheep shagging Hillbilly!"  
  
Guybrush: (lowers his fencing arm) "Uhh…okay then…I guess you won that round."  
  
Dante: (chops off Guybrush's left arm)  
  
Guybrush: "Ow!!" (Continues fencing) "Uh, your turn.  
  
Dante: "Didn't I already go?"  
  
Guybrush: "No, you see, I have to say a phrase, and you have to insult me with an answer."  
  
Dante: "Okay, here I go. Hey look!"(points at Guybrush)  
  
Guybrush: "I know, it's a three-headed monkey."  
  
Dante: "No, it's you, you spaghetti-slurping, lizard puke guzzling, pile of pig droppings!"  
  
Guybrush: "Damn, I guess I lost again."  
  
Dante: (cuts off Guybrush's fencing arm.)  
  
Guybrush: "F**K!" (Continues fencing with the sword in his teeth) "Knock it off!"  
  
Dante: "Bite me, you scum-sucking, slug-eating sea dog!"  
  
Guybrush: "Crap…I lost a third time."  
  
Dante: (cuts off Guybrush's legs.)  
  
Guybrush: "OW! DAMMIT!! Uh, you win…?"  
  
Dante: (throws his sword into the air) "Who's the man?!"  
  
Dante's rants of Victory drown out Guybrush's girlish screams as the sword comes back down stabs him in the shoulder. Dante hears Guybrush, as he is being dragged off, give off one final shout.  
  
"You may have won the battle, Dante Sparda, but you have not yet won the Insult War!"  
  
"Shaddap." Dante said in reply. "so Alastor, where to?"  
  
"Umm, where'd you learn to insult? Get into a fight with your dad?" Alastor asked.  
  
"Actually I watched 'Coming To America, starring Eddie Murphy" a lot."  
  
"Ah…that doesn't make sense."  
  
Then again, neither does this scene. Anyway, after the sword fight with Guybrush Threepwood, Dante continues on. He finds a jammed lever, after numerous pulls it doesn't budge. Suddenly, a certain FF8 black-clothed anti- socialist walks over and tries to help. For no apparent reason, a sign that says 'PUSH [SQUARE] REPEATEDLY' pops up.  
  
"What the hell…?" Dante said.  
  
"Whatever." says Squall.  
  
After trying to pull the lever for 2 minutes, they give up. Pissed, Dante takes out the Grenade Launcher and blows Squall into bite sized chunks. This also moves the lever, magically. The chain machine behind him drops a lot of chain.  
  
"Hey, Alastor, here's a question. WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON!?!"  
  
"It's part of the game, Dumbass. Now climb down the hole."  
  
After climbing down the hole, Dante found a Trident. He then wandered around the castle aimlessly until he found the place where you put the Trident. He got the blue fragment, and used the Trident. The gate opened and he stepped outside. Dante looked around.  
  
"Why is the sun still out?!" Dante shouted.  
  
"That's a damn good question." Alastor responded.  
  
Dante continues to follow the path. As he walks into a wide-open area, he hears the "Jaws" Theme. He also sees a vine-looking thing moving through the ground. He steps on it, and the Blade gives a really loud yelp, and pops out of the ground.  
  
"Hey!" it shouted. "Watch where you're steppin', Demon Boy!"  
  
Dante then forced it to eat a bullet.  
  
"EAT THE DAMN BULLET!!" Dante shouts.  
  
"Gah!" The Blade starts choking when Dante succeeds. After 15 seconds of choking, it manages to spit the bullet out, and is ricocheting all over the place. "Damn, you're crazy!"  
  
It buries itself back into the ground, and an even BIGGER Blade leaps out.  
  
"Uhh, shit?" Alastor said.  
  
After a moment of glaring at each other, Dante speaks.  
  
"Hi, there. I'm Dante Sparda, and I have come to stop the Demon King Mundus from opening a demonic gate to this world. How are you?"  
  
The bullet from the smaller Blade hits the huge on, right between the eyes. It proceeds to fall over, dead as a doornail.  
  
But not after its Stinger Launcher pierces him in the chest.  
  
Dante looks down , and notices the little, more-painful-than-hell dart in his chest.  
  
Alastor sighs, "Aw, crap." And puts on some ear guards.  
  
Dante Breathes in and…  
  
In Star Ocean 2, Ashton, Rena, Precis, and Claude are whooping Indalecio's can, when  
  
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!  
  
The Sorcery Globe comes undone, and topples onto Indalecio. Ashton goes, "What the hell was THAT?!"  
  
  
  
In Final Fantasy IX, Zidane is carrying Dagger up the stairs to escape Alexandria, and….  
  
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!  
  
Zidane drops Dagger, and covers his ears. Dagger, however, suffers many bruises as she rolls down the huge flights of stairs..  
  
  
  
In Final Fantasy X, Sin approaches Cid's Airship, and Tidus, Rikku, and Yuna prepare to fight.  
  
Cue scream in 5……4……3……2……1……  
  
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!  
  
Not only does Sin crash into Cid's Machina Airship, but they both crash into Bevelle, completely destroying it. However, the…girl, who was recently promoted to Commander or whatever, escaped hours earlier. (Work with me FFX Fans, I haven't played the game in months.)  
  
Dante pulls the thing out and stops screaming.  
  
"Hey, it stopped hurting." Dante said.  
  
"Hey, no SHIT Sherlock!" Alastor said taking her ear guards off. "Did you make any OTHER Great Discoveries?"  
  
"No, that's about it."  
  
"Christ, can we just continue?!"  
  
Dante continues on to a huge floating platform, with a flaming gauntlet in the middle.  
  
Dante looks at the hovering height of the platform.  
  
"How the hell am I supposed to reach that?!" Dante asked.  
  
"Umm, try flying Superman." Alastor said sarcastically.  
  
Dante makes a pathetic attempt to fly by flapping his arms.  
  
"This isn't working Ally." He said.  
  
"Oh, I got it, Devil Man," Alastor said. "how about if you don't get your sorry ass up there within 5 seconds, I'll zap you every 5 second intervals. You've already wasted 2 seconds."  
  
"But Ally—!"  
  
Ker-Friggin'-Zap!  
  
Dante is now jumping platform to platform like mad. 31 seconds (and 6 zaps later) he's at the top, and he grabs the gauntlets. Which talk to him.  
  
"I AM IFRIT! THE HELLFIREY GAUNTLETS OF HELLFIRE, AND YOU HAVE PISSED ME OFF FOR LITTLE TO NO REASON, SO NOW YOU MUST FEEL MY HELLFIREY WRATH OF HELLFIRE, SO SAYETH THE HELLFIREY GAUNTLETS OF HELLFIRE!"  
  
"Damn, how many times can you say hellfire?" Dante asked.  
  
"At most 40 per sentence." Ifrit said "Now, BURN!!"  
  
Ifrit attaches himself to Dante, and turns his oven to 550 degrees. Dante, totally unaware of the blazing inferno that is his hands, just looks around bored. 30 seconds later, after the end of the inferno….  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! MY HANDS ARE ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!! PUT IT OUT!!!!!!…………Oh I put it out. Cool."  
  
"So, Iffy, honey…It's been a while." Alastor said.  
  
"How long…?" Ifrit said to Alastor.  
  
"2 Days…"  
  
"Ooh, I can't believe I survived that long without you."  
  
"Oh, honey…"  
  
"My baby…"  
  
"My cupcake…"  
  
"My Rose…"  
  
Dante interrupts. "Uh, guys, I hate to be rude, but, A) We have a mission to do, and B) How do you guys plan to 'do it'?"  
  
There is a long period of silence…  
  
"Ifrit, I'm tired. Would you?" Alastor said.  
  
"Gladly." Was Ifrit's response.  
  
Ifrit cranked the heat up to 875 degrees. Although Dante's red suit was fireproof, he was not. Well, he was, kinda. His skin and hair didn't burn, but they were on fire, and he could feel it."  
  
"YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! !!!! THE PAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNN!!!!!"  
  
Dante started screaming things in Spanish, like…  
  
"¡El cabello está el fuego activado! ¡Póngalo fuera! ¡Tómeme! ¡Pero reserva el cabello hermoso!"  
  
("My hair is on fire! Put it out! Take me! But spare my beautiful hair!")  
  
and…  
  
"¡Ack! ¡Los ojos! ¡Soy cegado por el Inferno Furioso!"  
  
("Ack! My eyes!! I am blinded by the Raging Inferno!")  
  
  
  
As soon as the flame was out, he noticed he was back in the courtyard….and he was looking right at a huge, freakin', bird.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Hey, a whole chapter and he didn't even take a single med! Be impressed! More to come, soon…if I can figure out what happens next… 


	8. Enter Andy Griffon and NELO ANGELO Round...

Angels May Laugh, and So May You  
  
  
  
Disclai-  
  
  
  
(Slices the disclaimer machine in half) Shut up! Anyways, I do not own the Andy Griffith Show. If I did, I'd be considered pretty old. And there's also a cameo appearence by Skye. Nothing bad happens to her. (Which is good because I like my arms.)  
  
  
  
CHAPTER 8: Enter Andy Griffon and NELO ANGELO Round 2  
  
Dante looked at the huge damn bird. It's height was…oh…30-40 feet. It's Wingspan about…70. But this has nothing to do with Dante's new enemy…well, maybe the wingspan.  
  
Dante then starts to dance and sing.  
  
"Oh, I feel like chicken tonight!  
  
Like chicken tonight!"  
  
This insults the noticeably large-ass bird, which zaps Dante.  
  
"Ow. Hey that hurt." Dante said, rubbing his arm.  
  
"I AM GRIFFON!!! YOU SHALL BOW TO MY POWER!! THOSE WHO RESIST SHALL FEEL DEATH FROM IT!!" The beast bellowed.  
  
Seconds pass by.  
  
"ANDY GRIFFITH!!!" Dante says. He leaps into Griffon, knocking him over. "Hmm, you're a LOT bigger than in your pictures…anyways…CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH???"  
  
Griffon stares awkward at Dante. He gives mind connection to Ifrit and Alastor.  
  
"(Uhh, guys?)" Griffon asked.  
  
"(Don't ask me, I just got here.)" Ifrit said, now leaving the conversation.  
  
"(Let's just say,)" Alastor stated. "(The lights are on, but nobody's home. The wheel is turning but the hamster is DEAD.)"  
  
"(What the hell does that mean?!)"  
  
"(He took a knock on the head before he came in.)"  
  
"(So how am I supposed to get him off me?!)"  
  
Griffon starts pecking Dante, who doesn't seem to notice. He flies up, and comes back down, Smashing himself into the ground. Dante is still clinging onto him. He flies up even higher, and comes down even faster. Dante still holds on. Griffon flies to a nauseatingly high height.  
  
"(He's like a bad stain that won't go away, Alastor!!)"  
  
"(Well, Griff, you'll just have to tell him the horrible truth about you.)"  
  
"(But I already stopped drinking!)"  
  
"(No! That I already know! You have to tell him who you are.)"  
  
"(All right, here I go…")  
  
"Hey, kid. Off." Griffon said to Dante. Dante still clings to Griffon. "I'm…I'M ACTUALLY A MUTATED PIGEON*!!"  
  
[*This name has NO Reference to Pokémon. Pigeons are fat, pudgy birds that fly around downtown cities, make cooing noises, and crap on unsuspecting passers-by.]  
  
All Traffic stops.  
  
Birds stop chirping.  
  
Hell freezes over.  
  
Starbucks runs out of coffee.  
  
Silent Hill 2 actually has a story.  
  
Cid gives up smoking.  
  
Zell and Squall switch personalities.  
  
Alastor goes quiet. This isn't anything new, but she is surprised to hear this.  
  
"Huh?…"Dante said looking at Griffon's head. "…Oh you're just pulling my leg, aren't you, Mr. Griffith. You were always the Funny Guy!" He then Latches on to Griffon's neck. Griffon goes back to telecommunication.  
  
"(…….Now, THAT I did not know. But that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I meant the Andy Griffith thing.)" Alastor said, wide eyed as much as a sword could be.  
  
"(What did you have in mind?)" Asked Griffon.  
  
"(Well, if I were you I'd say, 'HEY YOU STUPID PRIMATE!!! LET GO BEFORE I…UH…PECK  
  
YOU TO DEATH!'…Of course that's just me.)"  
  
"(…Is there some reason you despise him so?)"  
  
"(He dumped me for a Hooker that looks like she's been hit in the face with a bat several times over  
  
really hard!!)"  
  
"(You mean Trish. But…you're a sword, that's probably why.)"  
  
"(I'm a human lady! Just because I pissed off a witch didn't mean she had to put a curse on me and  
  
Ifrit!")  
  
"(I…see. Well, I'm goin' to tell him who I am.)"  
  
"(Good luck.)"  
  
"Hey uh, Dante." Griffon said to Dante. Dante looks up, Bright eyed and bushy tailed…just like a squirrel on crack. "I'm not Andy Griffith."  
  
Dante takes notice at this point  
  
"You…aren't..? But you said your name was Griffith!" he said starting to tear up.  
  
"I said Griffon!"  
  
"But, I coulda' sworn!"  
  
"Look here…" he points to the subtitles. "GRIF-FON…"  
  
Dante lets go, and plummets to the Courtyard. He lands, and his arms remain in a clamped position. Griffon comes down.  
  
"I'm sorry," Griffon said. "I'm not Andy Griffith."  
  
"Oh I'm all right now…I begun to suspect it when I saw your three ugly heads."  
  
Alastor sighs. Ifrit just sits there. But the Blades that were popping out of the ground like Daisies were laughing rather uncontrollably.  
  
This just downright pissed Griffon off.  
  
"YOU HAVE INSULTED THE HIGH GENERAL OF THE DEMON KING MUNDUS' ARMIES!! YOOOOUUUUUU SHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL DIIIIIIIEEEE!!!!!"  
  
Griffon starts flying around firing lasers whenever Dante was too far and hurled whirlwinds if too close. Dante was just running around Griffon in wide circles singing I Feel Like Chicken Tonight in a continuous loop. After a few minutes of running around, Dante equips Ifrit, and Delivers one blow to Griffon, who now is a flaming barbecue. He does manage to fly away, though.  
  
"Thanks a lot Goat f**k, now we've got all of the Underworld after us, JUST BECAUSE YOU DECIDED IT WOULD BE FUN TO GET GRIFFON MAD!!!" Alastor screamed, almost snapping like a twig.  
  
Dante stared at her for a few moments, waiting for her to calm down…he then said with a bright smile,  
  
"You're welcome, Alastor!"  
  
By this remark, Ifrit cranks the heat up to 1155 degrees, while Alastor electrocutes him so hard, it would make Thor proud.  
  
Dante smashes through the gate with the one flame, screaming so high and loud, every Shadow in the castle started barking.  
  
Dante didn't stop to see the sign that said "Gave 200 Red Orbs".  
  
He did stop due to the large CANYON OF MIST sign in front of him. After smashing into it, Dante just sat there for a few minutes, unconcious.  
  
After he wakes up, he forgets the entire Griffon thing and continues on.  
  
After being lost for a couple hours in the foggy canyon, he manages to get into a nice, open, clearing...until he saw the two klyclopses.  
  
" Ack! NOT YOU TWO AGAIN!" Dante screamed. Preparing to run. He starts to shake again, in which he swallows half the bag of Meds.  
  
"Uh, Dante, what did I say about the meds?" Alastor said to Dante. Unfortunatley, she was 4 seconds too late. Dante lost his sanity again.  
  
"DiE, yOu FuEl Of EviL, bY tHiS sHaRp ThInG!! hA hA hA hA hA hA hA hA hA hA!!!!" Dante shouts, spinning his head around like he was possessed.  
  
This was scaring one of the Klyclopses, which leaps on Dante. Dante was smashed into the ground. The one that jumped on Dante exploded not long after. The other, after seeing that, crawls into the ground, and shoves up a sign that said "Do Not Disturb."  
  
Dante was still in Psycho Mode, and looked at the statue of women. He leaped onto one and started humping it. Meds die out. Dante looks around, and after realizing what he's doing. Embarrassed, he hops of the girls chest.  
  
Ifrit and Alastor stare in shocked awe.  
  
"Ifrit," Alastor said. "Take a note. May cause crazed, psychotic, and violent mood swings if digested."  
  
Ifrit writes that down.  
  
Dante continues on, saves, and Goes on to Mission 11: FATE. After fighting the Death Sythe, and Gaining more D.T., Dante notices a shiny object. Dante, with his impressive Strength, rips the grating out of the area. As soon as he picks it up, Alastor speaks up.  
  
"Oh look, A sign of Chastity."  
  
"Looks more like a brain to me, Ally." Dante said.  
  
"Well, that's what a brain is. And to not know that, you probably have an absence of one, too." Ifrit said. He and Alastor start laughing. Skye comes out of nowhere and smacks them both, then disappears.  
  
"OUCH!" Ifrit and Alastor shout simultaniously.  
  
Continuing on, Dante slaughters some Blades, Rocks, sticks, and the evil little rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Sucks to be them. ANYWAY, upon killing the rabbit, he hears a voice...  
  
"The cute, sweet, innocent, (well, maybe not EXACTLY) little bunny has been viciously slaughtered, and now looks like a roadkill."  
  
Dante, not liking QFG4 at all, (it continously crashed on him) takes out the Shotgun and blows away the source of the voice. He finds an altar, and uses the brain on it. Just a few seconds later, he recieves the Chalice. Nelo Angelo Drops onto Dante's shoulders.  
  
"Hi, D." Nelo said.  
  
"You again? You certainly are a coward, for flying away during our first battle!" Dante said with anger.  
  
"I took you down with one punch. Wuss." Skye comes out again, bitchslaps Nelo, and dissappears again. "OW! Sun of a bitch!!"  
  
He and Dante fight again. Dante DTs, and beats Nelo before he even swung.  
  
"F**KING SHARKER!" Nelo shouted before flying away.  
  
"Sharker?" Dante asked Alastor.  
  
"He thinks your plugged with a GameShark...and he was right. There's one in your back."  
  
Dante feels around his back, and notices the IS a SharkCard in his back. So, not liking new things, rips it out of his back.  
  
"Well," Ifrit sighed. "At least we still have Max DT."  
  
Dante leaps up, into the Chalice Room, uses the Chalice, then drops back down onto the floor, and continues on. He saves, goes to the Statue, and buys Vital Stars, Untouchables, Holy Waters, Life Orbs, and Special Technique crap. Running down the path, he trips, falls and rolls into many Marrionettes, destroying them instantly. When he stops, he sees a sign telling him how to swim.  
  
"What the hell do I have to swim for?" Dante asked, confused by the sign.  
  
"The water parts that are coming up would be my guess." Ifrit said, glad his flame power was water proof.  
  
Dante continues on, and notices a ship.  
  
"Oh no!" Dante said diving behind a rock. "PIRATES!!!!"  
  
"Uh, Dante?" Alastor said to the frightened Demon-Human. "How old do you think that thing is?"  
  
"Uh, a little over 400 years?"  
  
"I'll be damned. You're right. THE PIRATES MUST ALREADY BE DEAD BY NOW! NOW GET YOUR ASS OVER THERE!"  
  
Dante jogs on over to the water, and sticks a finger in. He pulls it out quickly.  
  
"This water is frozen! Well, maybe a tiny bit warmer than that... can I just jump onto the railing?"  
  
Alastor smirks. "Yeah."  
  
Dante backs up, runs foward, and leaps. The Invisible Wall of Force keeps him MILLIMETERS from the Railing. Dante looks down...he's over the Icy Water.  
  
"OHHHHHHHHHH SHIT!!!!" Dante screams.  
  
KERPHLOOSH!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Ahh, a dip in the cold, cold, drink. Don't hurt me, Skye, for putting you in here!  
  
Aw, 2 Chapters straight and then he took "meds"....Too bad. I'm runnin' low on material Cap'n!!! 


	9. He's Dante the Sailorman!

ANGELS MAY LAUGH AND SO MAY YOU  
  
Discl--  
  
(Blows the damn thing up, stomps on it, whips out a mallet, beats it, pulls out a Napalm Launcher, blasts it a couple times.) FOR THE LOVE OF YEVON! SHUT THE F**K UP!!.....Ahem, now that you know my destructive side, I don't own Baldur's Gate, Wild 9, Blade, The Matrix, or Fallout.  
  
CHAPTER 9: He's Dante the Sailorman!  
  
  
  
Dante just sat in the water.  
  
"You think he's dead?" Alastor asked.  
  
"Probably not." Ifrit responded. But since I'm not willing to sit here for the rest of eternity, I'll get him going."  
  
Ifrit turns it up 2000 degrees. Dante is enjoying this heat, although it is over 3000.  
  
"Gluhb." Dante said head still under water.. "Gluhb glbutugh g**begt ghurl wd grahble  
  
...For those of you not understanding Dante.  
  
"Alastor, you're a mother f**king bitch of a sword."  
  
Alastor looks angry.  
  
"No one makes fun of my mother!!!!!!" she shouts. After electrocuting Dante, the electric current moves through the water, and electrocutes all the Blades. Dante swims to the opening in the ship. Upon hopping out, the notices alot of Blades.  
  
"Some motherf**kers always try to ice-skate uphill." one said.  
  
"Holy water and crosses don't do shit." said another.  
  
"Deacon Frost." said a third.  
  
Dante looks at them, with odd looks.  
  
"Ahh, guys?" Dante said. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Suckhead!" The Blades all said at once.  
  
Upon firing at Dante, everything slooooooooooows down, he does Neo's "bullet dodge". He then promptly fires back, hitting all three Blade's guns.  
  
"Look you three." Ifrit said. "You're in DMC!! Not Blade! That's 6 aisles down!"  
  
To which they responded,  
  
"Oh." and walked off.  
  
Dante climbs up the stares, picks up the Harpoon Gun, and goes outside. Upon going outside, he runs over to the railing and pukes his lunch. This turns the water green. We quickly runs to the door.  
  
"Protect me!" It shouted.  
  
"Help us!" I said again.  
  
"Yes save us!"  
  
Alastor looks at the door.  
  
"Uh, door. Baldur's Gate 2 owns those lines." She said. Upon saying that, Imoen leaps from nowhere, steals some of Dante's meds and runs off. Dante shoots her with the grenade gun.  
  
"Oh," the door said. "Well, then protect the captain."  
  
"But I thought everyone here was dead!" Dante moans.  
  
"Listen, punk! You want Staff of Hermes or not?"  
  
"No, I don't want the Staff of Herpes!"  
  
Alastor shocks him. "It said H-E-R-M-E-S, dumbass!"  
  
"Oh." Dante said. "Well, alright."  
  
At this point a Death Scythe pops out. Dante screams like a little girl. This is so loud that the DS drops its Scythe into the water. As it reaches in to get it, Dante's puke melts it's arm. While making Shattering noises, the DS melts away. Then the water becomes blue again.  
  
"Oh by golly I did it!!" Dante yells. Cue fanfare.  
  
Griffon takes this time to attack Dante, who is now guarding the door. He lands on the front of the ship, and squawks rather loudly.  
  
"Eep! SHIT!" Dante said, turning tail and running…  
  
  
  
SMACK!!!  
  
  
  
…Into the Door, knocking himself out. Griffon starts bursting into laughter out of Dante's stupidity, and falls over into the cold, cold water, screams then flies away. Dante wakes up after a few minutes, and notices the door is unlocked. So, like any curious simpleton, goes in.  
  
"Arrrrr, me friggin' Insulting hearty!" Said the mysterious yet familiar voice coming from the chair facing away from Dante.  
  
"Hi, I'm Dante." said Dante, smiling. "Can I have the damn staff?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No.  
  
"Pretty please??"  
  
"No."  
  
"PLEASE DAMMIT!!!"  
  
"No. Because it's in my hands."  
  
"GIMME THE DAMN STAFF YOU STUPID GHOUL!!" At this point, a ghoul, a DeathClaw and Super Mutant come out of nowhere, turn the seat around, revealing Guybrush, and walk off. Well, the Super Mutant and DeathClaw do, but the ghoul walks over to Dante and Punches him in the head, then follows the other two.  
  
"I'm going to have to fire my Fallout Lackeys someday." Guybrush said. "Well anyway, I've come to challenge you again. My arms and Legs have regenerated, so we can Insult Sword Fight again."  
  
Dante thinks about this.  
  
"Ah, can't we play something like Arm Wrestling?" Dante asks. "I wouldn't want your blood to stain my coat."  
  
"What the hell, sure. INSULT ARM WRESTLING!!"  
  
  
  
Guybrush: "I'll grind your knuckles into a splintery paste!!"  
  
Dante: "Oh yeah, well, I'LL USE YOU INTESTINES AS JUMPROPES AND YOUR EYES AS MARBLES!!"  
  
Guybrush: "Ah…Okay…"  
  
Dante: (Bends Guybrush's arm down, making snapping noises)  
  
Guybrush: OW! SON OF A BITCH!!!…Well, I'm gonna put your arm in a sling!"  
  
Dante: "I've already PUT yours in a sling!"  
  
Guybrush: "….Damn…?"  
  
Dante: (bends Guybrush's arm even more, to the point where it's about to be dislocated)  
  
Guybrush: "YEOW! SHIT!!!! Uhh… My forearms have been mistaken for tree trunks!"  
  
Dante: "An over-the-counter defoliant could help you with that problem. "  
  
Guybrush: "F**K YOU!!"  
  
Dante: (bends it to where it's about to snap off.)  
  
Guybrush: "ACK!! CHRIST!! Er-erm…Only once have I met such a coward!"  
  
Dante: "He must've taught you everything you know!"  
  
Guybrush: "I wish I got health insurance!"  
  
  
  
Dante bends Guybrush's arm all the way, and it pops off.  
  
"My arm!" Guybrush screams, with a blood fountain pouring out. "Take the damn staff! But not before you go down with the ship!"  
  
He takes out a detonator and blows up the front of the ship, and dives out the window, holding his torn-off arm.  
  
Dante grabs the staff, swims through the hole, and gets to the surface. The water is still frozen! But since Dante's senses have frozen for an hour, he doesn't notice. He continues on, Mutilating every Marionette he sees, and comes out into a nice, wonderful, calm, mountain side.  
  
  
  
Then he saw the two…no…three Death Scythes.  
  
"Scary, huh, Alastor?" Dante said, smiling like a crazy kid who forgot his Ritalin. "I'm gonna go be friends with them!"  
  
He skips over to the DS.  
  
"Two bucks says he uses meds." Ifrit said.  
  
"Ten says they kill him before he realizes it." Alastor said.  
  
"You're on!"  
  
The Death Scythe swings at Dante. It misses, almost, and nabs Dante in the foot. Dante then breathes in and…  
  
In Wild 9, Wex is having fun dangling some guy over a grinder, with the guy screaming random words. Then Dante's scream.  
  
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
This distracts Wex, who accidentally put the guy in the grinder, forgot to switch off his RIG device, and dragged him in as well. B'angus looks unimpressed. Boomer, Karn, Henry, Nitro, and Pokkit and Crystal gives Wex's idiocy a 8.4, 10.0, 9.7, 9.9, 8.7, 10.0. Nitro's allergies to the stuff in the signs cause him to explode, turning everyone to powder.  
  
  
  
Dante stopped screaming, started shaking, downed a good portion meds, and…  
  
"I AM THE ESKABOOBOOFUU!!!!!!!" He shouted grabbing the first DS's head, and shattering it, like a Grecian urn. The second one swung it's scythe, BUT Dante' grabbed the Scythe, tore it out of the DS's hands, swung it up and impaled the DS in the head. He flipped the scythe into a wall, and by doing so, he sliced the last DS in half, and turning it into dust.  
  
"ALL YOUR RED ORB ARE BELONG TO US!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" he cackles like Mitochondria Eve on drugs.  
  
"Pay up, Ally." Ifrit said, grinning.  
  
"He got lucky, cause everyone gets lucky when they're stupid." Alastor said forking over the money.  
  
Dante's meds wore out. And he sat there, looking at the mess he'd made. He then had an idea! He picked up the remains of the Death Scythes, and tossed them into the ocean.  
  
Dante continues on, and reemerges in the Courtyard…  
  
It's also nighttime.  
  
"EEEEEEEK!" Dante screams, hugging Alastor and Ifrit. "I'm afraid of the Dark!"  
  
"Hey Dante," Ifrit said, trying to keep in laughter. "Did you know you that Monsters don't like the light? I could use my flame power to scare them off."  
  
"Oh please yes!" Dante yells. Ifrit turns Dante into a 5000 degree Human Torch. Alastor is laughing so hard she turns purple. Screaming Spanish curse words, Dante smashes through the 2 Javelin door into a huge windy area. Stumbling into the center of the coliseum, He trips over the subtitle saying "Give a sacrifice." The fire on Dante then goes out. Griffon flies in again, still cracking up from their recent encounter.  
  
"SO YOU HAVE…heheh…DECIDED TO…Hehaha…RUN INTO A DOOR!" Griffon laughed, pointing at Dante. "  
  
"I'll make you regret not being Andy Griffith you flying poop factory!!" Dante shouts holding up the Nightmare B (which he "just found on the way").  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Heads Griffon wins, Tails, Dante wins. (Flips coin) Holy Sh**. Dante wins. Oh, I am also the King of Dragons. 


	10. The End of Guybrush and Griffon

ANGELS MAY LAUGH, AND SO MAY YOU  
  
Dis—(arms Rocket Launcher and fires multiple times, leaving Disclaimer in a smoldering pile) SHUT UP, DAMMIT!!! Uh…I don't own Barney the Dinosaur. (Thank god!!!) Or STAR WARS: Episode 1. Judging from what I have left, I'll be finished on Chapter 13. Oh, and Skye makes yet another appearance, and I compliment her fic, "Dante's New Chibi". READ IT BEFORE MINE LEST YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! …And because hers is the best.  
  
  
  
CHAPTER 10: Round 3 of Guybrush Threepwood, and Griffon  
  
Dante Quickly hopped up one of the shafts, Armed the Nightmare B, and fired at Griffon, screaming "DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!"…  
  
Of the 13 shots fired, two hit. Not even scathing Griffon.  
  
"Dante you suck." Ifrit said, looking at Griffon. "Wait! I got an idea!"  
  
"If it's anything like The Sub-Machine Rocket Launcher idea, let's hear it." Alastor said.  
  
He whispers in Dante's ears. Dante then Equips Ifrit, Charges, and Dante's, Ken's and Ryu's portrait appear on screen (ala Marvel vs Capcom 2). Ryu and Ken hop on screen and…  
  
"Haduken!!" The all shout, releasing huge Fireballs. Griffon's health bar drops 66%, and falls from the sky, wingless. And, Damn, that HAD to hurt, smashing into a column like that  
  
"Thanks Ryu, Ken." Alastor said.  
  
"No problem." Ken and Ryu said simultaneously. They left the area, via portal. 4 seconds later…  
  
"Thanks!" Dante said, smiling like a complete goofball. Alastor and Ifrit sigh.  
  
Griffon starts twitching.  
  
"You…son of a….BITCH!!!!" Griffon said, trying to get off his back. "You SHOT…My wings off! NO ONE DOES A STUPID-ASS THING LIKE THAT AND LIVES!!!!" After numerous tries of getting off his back, each failing miserably, he sighs. "Uh, a little help here?"  
  
Dante looks at him, then the big blue thing in the center of the Coliseum. He walks over to Griffon, and picks him up.  
  
"Hey! Watch it, Demon-punk! My back hurts enough!!" Griffon shouts.  
  
"Really? Does this help?" Dante said, hurling Griffon onto the Blue Thing. Griffon hits the blue thing, rolls onto his stomach, and loud snapping noises are heard.  
  
"YEOUCH!!! WHY YOU STUPID SHIT!! I OUGHTA TEAR YOUR SPINE OUT, AND—" Griffon then notices the gentle numbness that is in his back. "Hey, my back stopped hurting! Thanks kid!"  
  
There's a large, whistling noise coming from the sky. A larger column falls down and smashes right into the back of Griffon, and even louder snapping noises are heard.  
  
"That better?" Dante asked.  
  
"Yes, thank you!" Griffon says in a high-pitched voice. He cleared his throat, and said in his normal voice, "I can't feel pain now."  
  
"Or anything else. Hahahahaha!! Griffon's gone numb!!"  
  
"That's it!! O Master Mundus! Give me strength to defeat the son of Sparda!!"  
  
Three orbs appear in the sky.  
  
"YOU HAVE FAILED ME, GRIFFON!! AS PUNISHMENT, I SHALL GIVE YOU THE WORST PUNISHMENT EVER…!!" The Orbs said.  
  
"Watch Barney the Dinosaur for all eternity?" Griffon said, in total fear.  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"NO MUNDUS!!! PLEASE!! DON'T MAKE ME WATCH THE DEVIL!! ANYTHING BUT THE DEVIL!! NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
Mundus teleports Griffon away, to watch Barney, the Dinosaur who took Satan's job. Satan now works in a McDonald's somewhere, flipping hamburgers, boiling fries, and filling sodas.  
  
Back on Mallet, Dante just stands there. Trish walks up behind him, and taps him on the shoulder. Dante, Ifrit, and Alastor turn around, see Trish…or at least her face, and scream pretty darn loud.  
  
"Dante, calm down! It's me, Trish!" Trish said. Dante and Co. stop screaming, and looks around.  
  
"Oh. We knew that." Dante said. "Did you see that!? Mundus tortures his own Men!! I can't believe him!….I wanted to watch Barney!!!!"  
  
Trish goes wide-eyed. "You're kidding right?"  
  
"Nope!"  
  
Alastor shocks him. "(SAY YES, DAMMIT!!)"  
  
"I mean, uh, yes."  
  
"Good, well, there's a cog that you need to get back to the Castle in the center column. I'd get it if I were you."  
  
Trish disappears in yellow lightning, leaving Dante with Alastor and Ifrit. Dante attempts to leap into the column. At the top, his foot catches the edge, and he lands face first onto the lift. As the lift goes down, he remains on his face, and his boots and forehead drag along on the walls. As he gets up he sees the cog, he steps towards it, and falls on his face again, and this time he grumbles. When he grabs the Cogwheel, he turns and…trips over his own feet, onto his face yet AGAIN. This time he blasts the ground with Ifrit's fireball ability. It goes through The center of the earth, China, the Milky Way Galaxy, and time.  
  
  
  
Somewhere on Tatooine, Anakin Skywalker is Pod-Racing almost about to win, when a huge beam comes out of nowhere, and knocks out the links between the Pod and the engine (the thing that keep it from going backwards), and goes careening out of control. When he thinks nothing could make this any worse, he goes into reverse. He smashes into the other Pod Racers, shattering them on impact, and hurling the Drivers 30 feet in the air. Anakin ends up heading straight at Padmé, Jar Jar Binks, and Shmi. Realizing this, with his all-powerful force abilities, he ejects from his pod. Padmé and Shmi get out of the way, but Jar Jar asks them where they were going. Well, Jar Jar's only answer was the revving engine of an oncoming Pod Racer, which smashed him into the wall, turning him into a nice new Wall Decoration. There is a huge cheer from the entire crowd.  
  
  
  
"My, that much anger on one floor?" Alastor said, chuckling.  
  
Dante doesn't hear the mockery, he's still thinking of the Barney TV show, in which Alastor zaps him for it. He then forgets all about tripping, and everything after, and continues on to the Castle. Standing just before the Draw Bridge, was a figure, wearing a Darth Vader coat…  
  
"So, we meet again, Dante Sparda, for the last time!" It was Guybrush Threepwood!  
  
"How many times do I have to mutilate you?!" Dante said, reaching for Alastor.  
  
"3 Times."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"This shall be our final fight…"  
  
"No shit, Sherlock. What is it now? Insult Poker? Gin Rummy? Hand-to-Hand? Monkey Kombat? …That sucked by the way."  
  
"No… Insult Lightsabers." He takes out the Ultimate Insult (It's a 12-inch statue made of an award for swimming, Monkey Headed mug from Planet Threepwood, wearing a copper pirate hat) and turns it on. A Green Lightsaber blade comes out of it.  
  
"Oh yeah?" Dante takes out a blue thunder sword, with Bat-wing hilt, and a icy-blue gem embedded in the handle of it. Yep, It's Alastor. "Wait, doesn't the Ultimate Insult only work on Pirates?"  
  
"Well, I made a few changes…like the ability to cut through solid objects." Guybrush slices one of the stone blocks in half with the Ultimate Insult.  
  
"Cooooool!"  
  
"Now, before you die, son of Spidey..  
  
"Sparda."  
  
"Whatever. I must say something."  
  
"Go ahead…"  
  
"I was your father's brother's cousin's former roommate."  
  
"…What does that make us?"  
  
"Absolutely nothing…which is what you shall soon become." He puts on his weird Darth Vader like Helmet.  
  
  
  
(Swords clash)  
  
Guybrush: "My sword has been considered a lethal weapon!"  
  
Dante: "Sadly, your BREATH should equally be reckoned!"  
  
(Dante swings, and cuts off Guybrush's cape)  
  
Dante: "I've got a sword with your name on it!"  
  
Guybrush: "No thanks I have my own!"  
  
(Guybrush misses Dante's ducked head by an inch)  
  
Guybrush: "You're the ugliest creature I've seen in my life!!"  
  
Dante: "Oh really? I'm guessing you haven't seen your wife."  
  
Guybrush: "…touché."  
  
(Dante gets Guybrush's coat arm, but still misses)  
  
Dante: "Or Trish in that matter…Uh, give up now or I'll crush you like a grape!"  
  
Guybrush: "I would if it would stop your WINE-ing!"  
  
(Guybrush stabs at Dante, who dodges, and stabs his trench coat tail)  
  
Guybrush: "OH NO LOOK OVER THERE!!"  
  
Dante: "What? A Three-Headed Monkey?"  
  
(Dante flips behind Guybrush and slashes him in the back)  
  
  
  
"OW!! DAMN!!" Guybrush shouts, stumbling around and gushing blood like a living geyser. He takes a purple Vial out of his pocket "Must…inject….G- Virus!" He stabs himself with the vial, and grows twice his size, and gets really long claws, and bright red eyes.  
  
"Ooooooh SHIT!" Ifrit, Dante and Alastor said at once. Dante turns to run, and gets stabbed by G-Guybrush, putting three clean holes in him and his coat. He then throws him 12 feet away. Skye makes another appearance, and flips onto G-Guybrush's shoulders and starts beating on his head with the Chibi Sephy from her (not mine) fanfic "Dante's New Chibi". (Which is a very good fic by the way)  
  
"Ow…ow…ow…ow…ow…ow…" The Chibi says each time he hits Threepwood's head.  
  
G-Guybrush picks Skye off his and throws her behind Dante.  
  
"HEY!!" Dante shouts, With his Unlimited DT Ready. "If you don't apologize to her VERY SOON, I'm gonna do something so HORRIBLE, so EVIL, so VILE, so NOT NICE, IT'LL MAKE A NAZI SCREAM AND RUN LIKE A HELPLESS LITTLER GIRL!!"  
  
G-Guybrush flips him off. Dante goes DT, and whoops the living shit out of Guybrush, constantly switching between Alastor and Ifrit, and blasting him with The Grenade Launcher, and Nightmare B. Skye calls out to Dante, and tosses him an Anti- B.O.W. Linear Launcher. (RE C:V fans rejoice) Dante aims…  
  
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmme……!!!!!"  
  
…Charges…  
  
"Ovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!"  
  
…and Fires. A freakin' huge-ass beam shoots out, into G-Guybrush, who stops, expands, explodes, and now goes great on toast. Skye hugs Dante, and disappears. Dante uses the Cogwheel, and enters the Castle by the now lowered drawbridge.  
  
  
  
Somewhere in the Underworld…  
  
"Where is the Son of Sparda???" Mundus shouts from his throne.  
  
"We have him on radar sir!!" A marionette responds.  
  
"Take me to the radar!"  
  
Mundus follows the Mari, stops and speaks.  
  
"What the hell is this crap?" He points to the weird circles connected to lines, which lead to squares and other stuff on the screen machine's screen. "You call THIS a Radar??"  
  
"No, sir. We call it Mr. Coffee." The Marionette points to the Sign above the machine, which says Mr. Coffee. "Wouldn't you like Coffee when viewing the radar?  
  
"DAMN STRAIGHT PUNY FOOL!!!! …I mean, yes. I do."  
  
After getting his Coffee, Mundus follows the Marionette to the Machine called Mr. Radar. There's a blip on screen in the Main Hall.  
  
"Set off the Trap." Mundus said, grinning.  
  
"Setting the trap, sir!" The Marionette said, pressing a button.  
  
In the Main Hall…  
  
  
  
"Well…" the Castlevania guy said. "It took me a few hours, but I'm back together again*!  
  
*This guy exploded in Chapter 6.  
  
Suddenly, the huge Woman Statue topples over.  
  
"F**k." Said the Castlevania Guy.  
  
SQUISH!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
This is, like, my Longest Chapter, so far. If you haven't read "Dante's New Chibi" by Skye Quisame, shame on you! She's a much better writer than me!(This is my first fic.) 


	11. Nelo Angelo Type 2, and Nightmare’s Appe...

ANGELS MAY LAUGH, AND SO MAY YOU  
  
D—  
  
(Ties 3 blocks of C-4 Explosive, 4 Grenades, 12 Kegs of gunpowder, 85 sticks of Dynamite to Disclaimer, lights fuse and clears out. 35 seconds later, there's an explosion, and a large 45 foot wide crater of where Disclaimer used to be.)  
  
Jeez, this thing is more like Nemesis from RE3; It just keeps reappearing!! Now uh, let's see… I don't own Gex the Gecko, Lara Croft, Crash Bandicoot, Spyro the Dragon, or Half-Life…or Mike and Pete's Fun HL Sounds.  
  
CHAPTER ELEVEN: Nelo Angelo Type 2, and Nightmare's Appearance  
  
Dante doesn't hear this huge Smashing noise, cause he was too busy on trying to see in Darkness. Upon walking into a suit of Armor, Dante believed it to be a Marionette, so he did the most heroic thing he could…  
  
Find a corner and hide in it like Sherry Birkin. After a few minutes of crying and whimpering, and giving Alastor and Ifrit the reason to laugh at and mock him, he suddenly gets an idea.  
  
"I'll use Teleport Scroll I magically found in my bag." He uses it and Teleports to…Lara's home.  
  
As soon as he opens Lara's closet, he hears The Loading of a Shotgun.  
  
"Ah, one of Bartoli's henchmen. Looking for the Dagger of X'ian?" Lara said.  
  
"No…just a light-generating object." Dante said, looking through the barrels of the Shotgun.  
  
"Hmm…for a man of Bartoli's men, you sure don't lie very well."  
  
"Uhh, can I borrow some Flares?"  
  
"No."  
  
"How about a Flashlight?"  
  
No…"  
  
"Stop pointing it at me."  
  
"No."  
  
"You know it won't do much."  
  
"Wouldn't hurt to try."  
  
"Drop it, Lady."  
  
"No."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No…If you are who I think you are, and you're at the point I'm thinking of…don't you have Luminite?"  
  
"No."  
  
"There's one in the Dresser. Take it and Leave."  
  
Dante opens the Dresser, takes the Luminite, and leaves Lara via Teleportation rift.  
  
Dante walks into the main hall of the castle, and notices a red splotch on the stairway, (It's the Castlevania Guy) and pieces of statue lying around.  
  
"I KNEW one of those would kill someone!" Dante said smiling. "Death is bad." He notices a nice insignia on the wall. It's a SWITCH! Dante messes with it, and…the first Plasma appears.  
  
The Bag of Plasma falls to the ground, making odd electric noises soon after. Dante stares at the bag.  
  
"What the hell is that…?" Dante said, still smiling.  
  
"That is a Plasma Bag. It's mostly used for people who have suffered large amounts of blood loss." Alastor said.  
  
  
  
Somewhere in the Underworld…  
  
"BLOODY MARI! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! I said PLASMA, not PLASMA BAG!" Mundus screams at the Low-Class Marionette. The marionette turns around, revealing that he's cross-eyed.  
  
"Sorry, sir. I'm doing my best!" It shouts.  
  
"Who recruited him!?"  
  
"I did sir!" A Fetish says, also cross-eyed. "He's my cousin."  
  
"Who's he?!" Mundus said to his Marionette Officer, (from chapter 10. We'll call him Mo from now on.)  
  
"He's an Asshole sir." Mo said.  
  
"I know that, what's his name?"  
  
"That is his name sir. Philip Asshole."  
  
"…And his cousin..?"  
  
"Malcolm Asshole."  
  
"How many Assholes are there in here??"  
  
All Marionettes, Fetishes, Nobodies, Sin/Death Scissors/Scythes, Frosts, and Plasmas stand up and say, "YO!"  
  
"…Figures…." Mundus said, looking very annoyed.  
  
(Isn't it amazing what kind of humor you can get from watching Mel Brooks films.)  
  
"Bloody Mari, see that blue button in the middle there? Press it."  
  
"Sir, there's two!!"  
  
"Press right between them then, cross-eyed fool!"  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
  
  
Back in the main hall….  
  
"Dante, are you done looking at the bag of Blood now?" Alastor said, seeing as Dante stared at it for 5 minutes straight without blinking.  
  
"It and I are having a staring contest." Dante said, eyes still wide open. Ifrit bets $200 on the bag.  
  
"Oh, Lord what have I done to deserve this?!"  
  
"Dumping me?"  
  
"Exuuuuuuuuuse me, devil boy? Did I take you a Rundown Meat-house and kiss a girl who looks like a downtown hooker that's been hit in the face with a bat several times over really hard right in front of YOU???"  
  
"Of course not. Cause then you'd be a lesbian."  
  
KZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAPP!!!!!!  
  
Dante, charred, but still wide eyed, says "Ouuuuch…."  
  
"Although I have NOTHING against them, DON'T…EVER…call me a lesbian."  
  
"Yeah," Ifrit said to Dante. "Leave my girlfriend alone!"  
  
The bag of Plasma suddenly turns into a Plasma.  
  
Dante blinks.  
  
"HE RUINED MY WINNING STREAK!!"  
  
Dante downs meds for the hell of it, and scares away the Plasma with his new personality.  
  
"Mustusestaff. Mustusestaff. Mustusestaff. Mustusestaff. Mustusestaff. Mustusestaff. Mustusestaff. Mustusestaff. Mustusestaff. Mustusestaff. Mustusestaff. Mustusestaff."  
  
Dante makes his way to the Cathedral Type area. He smashes open the door, and leaps over the 50-foot gap.  
  
Just ten feet away from the other side, Dante's meds stop. He notices he's going at…let's say… 175mph. This scares him, so Alastor and Ifrit put their ear guards on, and…  
  
  
  
In Gex 3: Deep cover Gecko, while Gex is kicking Anime-ass in Anime Channel when  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHI'MGONNADIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!  
  
Apparently, this shuts down everything, including Gex's Armor, immobilizing him for a while.  
  
  
  
Half-Life (Mike and Pete's Fun Half-Life Sounds added on), Gordon Freeman encounters Barney, again.  
  
"Hey, Hell are what the doing here down you?? Get—what the f…whose been messing with my lines again?"  
  
And the Scream…  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHI'MGONNADIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!  
  
Gordon grabs his ears and starts shooting at Barney, who falls to the floor.  
  
"Ack….Gahh, Uagh….the…window, I'm supposed to fall out the window…(cough) Damn the director…"  
  
The scientist that was following Gordon, screams at him.  
  
"Stop attacking! He's a fiend! Uhh, friend! Oh, fruck, I always mess that 'R' up."  
  
Gordon immediately fires on the scientist, who runs away, screaming,  
  
"Mind over matter, mind over matter! Oh f—k! is doesn't work!!"  
  
(Note: These lines, including the censor, are all from a hilarious sound pak. I recommend that HL players go to http://www.planethalflife.com/studiosound/mike_and_pete/ and download the sound pak. Don't forget to thank Mike and Pete.)  
  
  
  
In Crash Bandicoot: Wrath of Cortex (Is it just me, or can they not seem to find another villain?) As Cortex and Uka Uka gather the Masks Py-Ro, Wa-Wa Rok-ko, and…the other one which I forgot. Cue Scream.  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHI'MGONNADIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!  
  
It seems that the vibrations acted as if Uka Uka was a magnet, as he from the air, into the ocean, never to be seen again. Hurrah.  
  
  
  
Now, back to our story, which in drastic need of material.  
  
Dante opens his eyes, and realizes that he has been teleported back into the Cathedral room.  
  
"That was a unique turn in events." Ifrit said.  
  
Dante was too interested in this chrome puddle to listen. He pokes it, thus sending out an alarm, and making Nightmare appear.  
  
"Ah, Toilet's got clogged again?" Dante said.  
  
Nightmare, seeming to be offended by this, smashes Dante into a wall. He must've hit Dante's funny bone, because Dante was laughing himself to death. After Dante's fit of laughter, he gets up, mashes the switches, making Nightmare show his core. Dante whips out a Shotgun, goes DT, and blasts Nightmare with all he has. Nightmare spreads through the floor, making a freaky screaming noise.  
  
Dante picks up the Huge Red Orbs, and continues outside. He does Air Raid and flies on over to the Staff area. He shoves the staff into the staff holding thing. He notices the left one leads to a new part of the castle. So he leaps into it.  
  
MISSION 17:  
  
PARTED MOMENTO  
  
Slash away at the Dragon and Enter the Court with the Quicksilver  
  
Dante starts dashing around, firing off grenades at Marionettes, Fetishes, Windows, Suits of Armor, Pictures, Walls, rats, etc. Dante enters the last door and sees a small purple dragon a good distance away. We all know who this is.  
  
"Who the hell are you??" Dante says questioningly.  
  
"I'm Spyro the Dragon, Dumbass. EVERYONE knows who I am!" Spyro said looking annoyed.  
  
"You're the dragon?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Then don't I have to attack you?"  
  
"Now why the hell would you want to do that?"  
  
"I need the quicksilver."  
  
"Well, I might be able to help you with that."  
  
Spyro flies over to the quicksilver, picks it up, and throws it to Dante, who misses it completely…well, it smashes into his head, knocking him out. Spyro topples off the platform laughing. Skye comes in and hits Spyro over the head with the Chibi. She promptly disappears. Spyro however looks around, unimpressed. Dante wakes up out of his incapacitated state  
  
"…Who was that?" Spyro asked.  
  
"That was Skye. She hits people who insult me, or laugh at me." Dante said picking up the quicksilver. "What is this thing made of?"  
  
"Mercury…Rock…stuff. Who knows?"  
  
Well, I got to go be the star of my fourth game. Bye."  
  
"Bye, dragon."  
  
Spyro flies off to the Artisan World.  
  
Dante however continues his adventure by entering the Throne Room, via Quicksilver. There he meets Nelo Angelo one last time.  
  
"What, you wanna keep fighting?" Dante said. "Look, we all know how it'll end. I'm gonna kick your ass to next Wednesday."  
  
Nelo, however transforms to an even bigger Nelo Angelo, and has a cool looking hairstyle.  
  
Cue the fight scene.  
  
Dante goes DT, and continues to attack Nelo, who deflects 3 of the 9 hits, and delivers 4 his of his own. Dante however, got Stinger Lvl2, and just dropped Nelo's Life 25%…and again…and again. Nelo, teleports away, charges and…releases 120 crystals onto Dante, who is now down to 56% Life. Dante equips Ifrit…  
  
Ryu, Dante, Ken pics go across screen. Ryu and Ken hop into the throne Room.  
  
"HADUKEN!!!" All three shout, releasing three large beams of fire, defeating Nelo Angelo, and allowing them to hop off screen. Nelo, takes a long time to die, then becomes an energy pillar…then powder.  
  
Dante notices, a gem falling from the sky. It's the same as Dante's gem. He then realizes…  
  
He just murdered his brother.  
  
This soon leaves his mind as he enjoys the twinkling light reflecting off the gem.  
  
"Now when did we get these?"  
  
  
  
BEGIN FLASHBACK…  
  
Kid Dante: I want chocolate!  
  
Kid Vergil: No, I want chocolate!  
  
Kid Dante: Get bent! (Smack!) Ow!!! Ma, Vergil hit me!  
  
Ma: Well, hit him back…  
  
Kid Vergil: (Smack!) Ow!!!  
  
Ma: Okay, settle down you two, you can both have chocolate. If you don't share you go back in the cages.  
  
Kid Dante/Vergil: (scared) Okay!!  
  
…END FLASHBACK  
  
  
  
Dante sighs. "Ah, so many memories."  
  
He then notices that the complete gem (his and Vergil's combined) is interacting with Force Edge.  
  
  
  
In the Underworld…  
  
"TRISH…VERGIL HAS FAILED. YOU MUST NOT FAIL ME." Mundus says from his big throne.  
  
Trish, walks off, flipping Mundus off , when at a decent distance.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
ALMOST DONE YOU FUULS!!!!!! 


	12. Big-Ass Angel Guy

Angels May Laugh and So May You  
  
D—  
  
Nuclear Warheads will detonate in 5 minutes. All personnel please report to Fallout Bunker. (5 minutes later) VVVVVVVVWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM………  
  
(From inside bunker, static engulfs the screen)  
  
Uh, We, we seem to be experiencing, uh, technical difficulties…yeah…anyway, we have a prebomb recording of Chapter 12 of AMLASMY. Uh, it seems to be unaffected by the Radioactivity from out side…which is good. Now, I don't own Dino Crisis…or anything else, like Diablo. Enjoy. Now I have to clean up the remains of the disclaimer…(Sound fades out to static.)  
  
CHAPTER 12: Big-Ass Angel Guy  
  
Dante's Dad's Old Sword, Force Edge, reacted to the Complete Gem.  
  
After a short shining of bright-ass light and Force Edge was no longer in Dante's hands…instead, there was Sparda.  
  
"Saweeeeeet!!"  
  
Happy about this new toy, he checks out the features...  
  
He swings it a few times, and Does Alastor's "Stinger" technique. The Sword stretched into a spear.  
  
After a few more swings, he does a boomerang technique, and Sparda turns into a scythe. After a few more moves, he sheaths Sparda onto his back.  
  
"Eh…?" Sparda begins to speak, "Where the hell am I?"  
  
"Hell." Alastor and Ifrit said simultaneously.  
  
"How so?" Sparda looks to Dante. "Oh, dear sweet, heavenly mother of Jesus Christ…I'm a sword…even worse, I'm a sword wielded by my son…"  
  
"Hi, Dad! How's life?" Dante said smiling.  
  
"It was fine…then you showed up. Now it's going to be hell."  
  
"But Alastor and Ifrit you're already in hell, Silly!" Dante, still smiling attempts to make a step. Unfortunately, he trips over his own two feet, onto the floor, and eats a shitload of pain. Even more unfortunate, is that Dante was totally unprepared for the loss of 2 of his teeth. Sparda, Ifrit and Alastor were totally unprepared for the loud noise.  
  
  
  
Dino Crisis 2, Dylan, Paula and Regina are just about to escape, and everything was going well, as they were just about to escape, and, the ending was replaced at this very moment due to the scream.  
  
YEEEEEEAAAAAOOOOWWWWWWWWSSSSHHHIT!!  
  
The scenery collapses on Paula.  
  
The scenery supervisor was about to get up and help, when the director, liking this new idea, waved his hand, keeping the scenery supervisor back.  
  
"This seems like a good ending!" The director said. "Keep the camera rolling!"  
  
Over near Regina, Dylan, and Paula, things were looking pretty grim.  
  
"(Uhh, Dyl?)" Regina said. "(What do we do?)"  
  
"(I don't know, uh…improvise!!)" Dylan said, looking at Paula, grinning.  
  
"(Uhh, Dylan, your father and Daughter…you can't have a 'relationship' with your daughter!)"  
  
"(Huh?…Oh!…Uh, ahem, of course……right…)"  
  
  
  
Dante, holding his two teeth, started to cry.  
  
"My…my teef…..I fell and Smasthed! my teef…!" He said.  
  
"Good god…why did my son have to be a friggin' retard…hell, why did we get stuck with him?"  
  
"Bad luck…" Ifrit said, smirking.  
  
"Don't feel left out. It managed to nab us too."  
  
Dante stopped crying, as a moth had caught his attention. He chased it around, laughing all the way, he followed it through the portal, and into a floor filled with water.  
  
2 hours later…  
  
Dante had chased the freakin' bug throughout the whole damn castle, and it finally stopped flying. But did it have to stop flying at the top of the damn tower? He remembered the insignia on the wall of this tower. After messing with it, the thing released a whole bunch of water. He swam to the top of the tower, where the insignia wore off, thus dropping the water, and him, though he landed on the walkway. He picked up the Philosopher's Egg, and heads outside into the Fountain Area.  
  
After tossing it into the fire the subtitle saying. "It will take a while to finish", the letters H, I, L, E, and T were stabled to Dante's back. After a little trouble (and a little snickering from Sparda, Alastor and Ifrit) he manages to tear the letters out of him. Nightmare, bored, oozes up from under the ground.  
  
  
  
"Heeyyggghhh, Shhhhparda…..wanna play a ghaaaaamegh?" Nightmare said, with his Bile-type fluids flowing around on him.  
  
"Sure, Nightmare." Dante, having nothing better to do, decides to play along.  
  
After 10 minutes of playing Dice, the Elixir pops out of the Flame, like a microwave.  
  
"Well, I have to say, Nightmare, that was a pretty good (although very rigged) game. You now owe me an 'inflatable toy', 3900 Red Orbs, The Biohazard Game Set, A Bill Clinton Dart Board, A PS2, and an Xbox…and a bag of Doritos." Dante said, checking his list of New Toys. As he walked off, his dice hopped out of his hand. It landed on 5 and 3. The same numbers that Dante called  
  
Nightmare became suspicious of Dante, who grabbed the Elixir and ran. He messed with the dice a little bit, and they always landed on 5,3.  
  
Dante was now in the Bedroom. He was thinking about where to go now. He couldn't go back, as Nightmare would be waiting for him, and the Door outside was molded into the wall, thus making it PART of the wall. So he placed his hand on the mirror to think things through…  
  
Though through the mirror wasn't his idea.  
  
Dante, looking around, realized he was in the Mirror World, and the door outside was unsealed. So, he headed outside. There in the center of the area, was the Philosopher's Stone. Dante knew somehow that this thing was important to stopping Mundus. Dante picked it up, and followed the crumbling walkway back to the Bedroom and into the real world.  
  
Two minutes Later, 3 Nobodies appeared.  
  
"(Hey! We're only two minutes late! Dante couldn't have come by yet!)" One said. The other two nodded in response.  
  
Dante now has what it takes (The Elixir and Philosopher's Stone) to enter the Underworld. After stepping onto the puddle, he stated to sink. This totally freaked him out, and he soon found out that clawing at it was useless, and that the stuff was acting a lot like Crazy Glue. Now that he's lost his arm and both legs, he just gave up.  
  
In the Underworld, after Dante got all the "Crazy Glue" off him, he looked at the huge hole that was most likely the entrance to the Underworld. He used the Elixir and Philosopher's Stone, opening the thingy, and allowing him access to Mundus's Lair.  
  
In Mundus's Throne Room…  
  
As Mundus plays Roulette with Irenicus and The Slayer (Bhaal), along with Diablo, a Sin Scythe appears.  
  
"Uh, sir?"  
  
"Not now, I'm winning!"  
  
"But sir!! Dante's in the Underworld!!"  
  
"WHAT??! FIND HIM!! BLOW HIM INTO 6 RED, BLOODY PIECES! DON'T LET HIM DISTURB MY WINNING STREAK!!"  
  
Bhaal rolls the ball, "Red 6."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Sorry, Mundus, you called it."  
  
"But I—I mean he—it's MY Rigged Roule—I mean MY Roulette Wheel!"  
  
Irenicus looks at Mundus. "Silence, and let the fool make his Judgement."  
  
Bhaal ignores Irecnicus, and slows the Roulette Wheel. "…………..2 Black…again."  
  
"I'm beginning to think, Mundus," Irenicus said, looking at the 2 Black, which was always what it'd landed on. "That this game was rigged."  
  
Irenicus soon disappears from a Beam shot by Mundus, and dust is all that remains of him…Bhaal takes this time to scoot away. Diablo just sits there being quiet as usual.  
  
"…………..Mundus, wanna play Rock, Paper, Scissors until Bhaal gets back with a Resurrect Scroll?"  
  
"Hell, yeah."  
  
  
  
Dante looks around the huge chamber, and sees Trish.  
  
"Dante! Help me!"  
  
"Hiya, Trish! How are you?"  
  
"Help!!"  
  
"I found the way into the Underworld!! Isn't that Great?"  
  
"Dammit Dante, get your retarded ass over here!!"  
  
Dante didn't like Trish yelling at him. So he started to look sad. Nightmare oozed in from behind, and swallowed Dante.  
  
Dante is now in an evil world within Nightmare, so he kills the laughing skulls and turns to see his enemy…  
  
…Michael Jackson.  
  
Dante, goes DT, and Blasts the hell outta Mike. After defeating him, Dante is telported out of Nightmare.  
  
"Nice job, Nightmare! I have to say that was impressive." Trish said, patting Nightmare on the back, then wiping the goo onto her jeans.  
  
Nightmare feels something wants out. So either he is going to be sick, Nature is calling, or Dante wanted out. Dante smashed out of nightmare, dealing a crippling blow.  
  
Trish zaps Dante, just for the hell of it.  
  
"Dante, you fool, I can't believe you trusted me didn't you dumb old dad tell you not to talk to strangers?"  
  
Sparda looks annoyed. "Dante, kick her ass."  
  
Dante was too busy getting his ass kicked himself. He did manage to pull of a DT. But he mostly used it to run around Nightmare, he the tripped just before Trish zapped at him again.  
  
As Trish mumbled something along the lines of "Oh holy F—k!" Nightmare started to expand, with evil lasers shooting out of him, slicing through stone pillars, and nearly through Trish and Dante. Well, it missed Trish, but Dante was watching the same Moth from earlier, and failed to dodge the laser. After he lost interest in the Moth, he noticed the large, outstanding hole in him.  
  
  
  
Some where in a distant Galaxy, known to some beings as XNaHAZXAlaXA'HaexXA (prounounced Zana-ah…er…Zonaha-zix…ah, hell with it. Two alien races were trading insults, and soon found that it wasn't working well for either of them. So, they decided to negotiate a peace. Seconds before they both agreed on it, Dante intervened…his voice managed to bend through time and space into this part of the universe.  
  
"OW YOU STUPID DAMN BOOT LICKING PUS EATING SCUM BAG FROM HELL, I'LL RIP OFF YOUR ARM AND BEAT YOU INTO THE GROUND WITH IT, YOU SHIT-EATING F—KING BLOB OF BILE!!!!"  
  
Apparently, this was one of the worst, most horrid thing Insult they have heard, and since they both believed the other said it, they both agreed on one thing: WAR. They attacked in their spaceships, blowing the others away. Again, they realized they were getting nowhere, and joined forces to attack the Earth, and a common household dog soon ate them.  
  
  
  
Dante soon healed up. And noticed Trish was about to be smashed. Dante was going to run past her, but he accidentally tripped, again, and slammed into her.  
  
After the Dust settled, Dante got up off Trish, and brushed himself off.  
  
"Dante…you saved me…" Trish said.  
  
"Yeah….uh…..I guess I did, huh?" Dante said, smiling. The smile was soon replaced with a bright red cheek from a slap to the face.  
  
"DON'T EVER TRY THAT AGAIN YOU GODAMN PERVERT!!"  
  
Dante, pissed off, walked away,  
  
"Wait!! Why DID you saved me?"  
  
"………….Because you look like my mother."  
  
Alastor and Ifrit, stare before speaking…well, not speaking. "…EEEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!"  
  
Alastor looks at him "Your Ma looks like a Downtown hooker that has been hit in the face with a bat several time Really hard??"  
  
"WHAT?" Trish shouts.  
  
"Oh shit!!"  
  
Trish take a run at Dante, and immediately stops, due to some loaded Squirt Guns.  
  
"Back, Lady Lame!! BAAAACK!!"  
  
After an annoying conversation, Dante walks to the unopened goo-gate.  
  
Trish doesn't turn around to notice Mundus.  
  
"TRISH. YOU…HAVE MY STEAK QUESADILLAS, YES?"  
  
"Uh, no sir."  
  
"THEN YOU HAVE FAILED. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO FAILURES….YES?"  
  
Trish Gasps in complete horror.  
  
  
  
"Ding, Ding, Dinnnnng!" Said cheap scientist special effects guy number 1.  
  
"Oh my, this is quite scary." Said CSSEG#2  
  
  
  
After Dante goes around, killing Plasmas and Nobodies, and releasing some organs from eternal damnation. After entering Mundus' Angelic Throne Room. A big Booming voice called from the stone statue.  
  
"AGAIN I MUST FACE A SPARDA…STRANGE FATE, ISN'T IT?"  
  
"Two…two!! TWO you damn rock! I'm down here too!" Sparda shouts.  
  
"Uh, yeah…uh, shutup dad." Dante says, "We don't want that mean King of Darkness to force us to do anything Drastic, like save a girl that looks like my mom."  
  
"Dumbass kid! She looks NOTHING like her!! You Mother, MY wife, was beautiful."  
  
"LOOK BEHIND YOU SPARDA."  
  
Sparda turns around.  
  
"Ahem, hey, son. Look over there."  
  
Dante turns around, and sees Trish hung over the huge ass door, twitching every 2-3 seconds, and her eyes wide open.  
  
"Trish??"  
  
"STAY WHERE YOU ARE. BLINK…….AND SHE DIES."  
  
"…Uh, you sure she's not dead?"  
  
"She's not dead…just, mentally scarred from all those Barney videos."  
  
"OOOOH!! LEMME WATCH!!"  
  
Dante steps toward Mundus, causing him to fire sharp pointed sticks into Dante. Skye and Chibi Sephy appear one last time, with her armed with an AK- 47 and Sephy armed with an MP5. They waste all the ammo on Mundus, cuss, then switch to TAU Cannon and Gluon Gun, both run out of ammo AGAIN. They pull the sticks out of Dante, and throw them at Mundus, and disappear through a portal…well, Skye did. Sephy was stuck out of the portal.  
  
"Heeey!! I need ESCAPE!! HEEEEEEEEEY!!!" The Chibi shouts. A small portal appears, and a hand comes out and grabs the Chibi Sephy and pulls him in, and the portal closes. Mundus looked mildly battered.  
  
Dante stumbles around, and Trish who somehow recovered, from the Mental scarring, and managed to get down from the huge ass door, stumbles into Dante, knocking him out of the way of a beam…which happened to be filled with reruns and reruns of Barney. Trish goes back into a state of shock.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Dante screams. He starts to shake. He rummages through his bag, looking for meds.  
  
"Dante, hurry up!!" Alastor shouts. "The shaking is getting more violent every second!!"  
  
Ifrit breaks in. "…and Mundus is charging something NASTY."  
  
"Guys, I'm out!!" Dante says, still rummaging through his pack.  
  
"Well, hurry up and be un-out—WHAT?!?"  
  
"I have NO MEDS!!"  
  
"What, what does that mean?" Sparda asks.  
  
"He's gonna be 'Demonified'!" Ifrit shouts.  
  
Alastor takes cover. "LOOK OUT!! HE'S GONNA BLOOOW!!!"  
  
Mundus releases his energy beam.  
  
Dante's eyes glow red, scaring the hell out of the beam, sending it into the huge ass door.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
BORING CONVERSATION INTERLUDE  
  
This week: Half-Life w/ MPHLS  
  
  
  
Black Mesa Warm Apple Pie Research Facility…  
  
4 scientists and a Guard Conversation… (in main lobby)  
  
Walter (sci w/ Glasses): Would you be offended if I told you that you had sexy thighs?  
  
Barney (Guard): Got me…...Wanker.  
  
  
  
Simmons (Dark-skinned sci): My pen, my pen! Somebody stole my pen!  
  
Einstein (old sci): Uhhh….errrruh…uhhmmm…could…you…repeat that?  
  
  
  
Black-haired sci: I've been taking screaming lessons. Would you like a demonstration?  
  
Walter: You are a silly person and I'm not going to talk to you.  
  
  
  
Barney: Ever wish you were an Oscar Meier Wiener?  
  
Einstein: If you want to say yes, and you want to say no, just say… 'Nes'.  
  
  
  
Simmons: Did you just partake in flatulatory activities?  
  
Barney: Ah-ahem…..blow me.  
  
  
  
Einstein: This is all within your imagination, right boo?  
  
Walter: I'm afraid I can't answer that, based on religious reasons.  
  
  
  
BHS: Have you heard of the guy from Nantucket?  
  
Barney: In the words of the great Barney…'I love you, you love me.'  
  
  
  
Walter: Does anyone have the Analysis of my samp—uh, the new sample?  
  
Simmons: I don't think so, and there's no Santa Clause, either.  
  
  
  
Einstein: Have you checked…the…thingy?  
  
Walter: My god, man you're such a little bitch!  
  
  
  
(Gordon "Gordo" Freeman walks by)  
  
  
  
BHS: Ah, Freeman, are you done with the inflatable sheep I gave you?  
  
Barney: S'up, G?  
  
Simmons: Greetings—I mean uh, 'Yo, home person, what's up?"  
  
Walter: Hidy-ho, Gordo.  
  
Einstein: Howdy doody.  
  
END INTERLUDE…  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
We pick up where Dante is following Mundus, and due to his lack of meds, changes into…SPARDA!!!!  
  
"Whoa…" Ifrit says.  
  
"I gotta hand it to ya, Dante, you look kickass." Alastor said.  
  
"HE LOOKS LIKE ME!! THE DAMN BRAT TOOK MY FROM!! GIVE ME BACK MY FOOOOORM!!" Sparda shouts. He pathetically attempts to struggle from "his" grasp.  
  
  
  
Now SparDante is flying at Jet speed toward Mundus, dodging all the beams, rocks etc., while firing his own at Mundus, releasing the usual DT Beam. After the third DT beam, Mundus, goes berserk firing enough red lasers to scare the hell out of the NRA. SparDante dodges two, but the last one nailed him in the chest, forcing him to plummet onto a conveniently placed Volcano.  
  
Some red-capped kid walks up to Dante. "Hey, you're messing up my Pokémon Battle!!"  
  
Some old bald guy calls over from the other side of the Volcano. "HEY, ASH!! STOP TALKING TO YOUR FRIEND AND CALL OUT A DAMN POKÉMON ALREADY!!"  
  
"SHUT UP BLAINE!!! I'M WORKING ON IT!!"  
  
Dante breaks in. "Um, guys why don't you take this battle somewhere else? There's a huge ass Demon King out for destruction, and I'm the only one who can stop it."  
  
"DAMMIT SON, I KILLED HIM OFF FIRST!!"  
  
"Shut up, dad."  
  
Ash interrupts. "Hey, unless you have a REAL reason to get off this Volcano, we aren't going NOWHERE."  
  
Blaine calls out Magmar. Ash calls out his rare-ass Mew.  
  
Mundus comes out of nowhere, and lands into the Volcano.  
  
"There's your reason." Dante said.  
  
"That's a damn good reason." Ash said, looking at the size of Mundus. "Hey, Blaine, how about you give me the Pokémon Badge and we call it quits?"  
  
"I'm all for that…Magmar return to me!"  
  
"Return Mew!"  
  
Both leap off the Volcano. Misty and Brock are too busy making out to notice.  
  
Dante proceeds to use Sparda's new DT.  
  
"TIME TO DIE MUNDUS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!  
  
Sparda's ranges and power increased with his new DT. Mundus died within 30 seconds.  
  
After a short death scene, Mundus finally disappears. And Dante appears next to a supposedly dead Trish. After Dante cries over Trish for not letting him watch at least one Barney episode, Sparda pokes fun at him.  
  
"Look, the Devil is crying! Let's all point and laugh at him!"  
  
"That's it dad! I'm tired of you always pushing me around!! Trish is dead and you don't even feel sad??"  
  
Trish's eyes open. "But I'm not dead." Dante drops Trish on the ground, knocking her out again. He picks her back up again.  
  
"So I've decided to leave you here dad!"  
  
"….But…but I'm not dead!" Dante accidentally drops her again, and knocking her out, again.  
  
Dante stabs Sparda into the floor. "Mother, my father is here now. Rest…in piece."  
  
As Dante walks away, Sparda calls out, "Hey, hey, hey!! What the hell're you doing?? YOU NEED MEEEE!"  
  
Trish calls out again. "Dante, I'm not dead!! Just Paralized!"  
  
"I can still hear Trish's voice in my mind…"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"I'M NOT DEAD YET!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
CHAPTER 12 is completed!! Now wait for the ending!!!!!! 


	13. RUN YOU DAMN KLUTZ RUN!!!

ANGLES MAY LAUGH, AND SO MAY YOU  
  
Discaimer....  
  
(walks over and hits the off switch.)  
  
There, now why didn't I think of that in the first place?....Hey! The Last Chapter is all DMC, so there's no Dislcaimer, other than DMC itself, so.....  
  
(flips the switch back on.)  
  
Disclaimer- I do not own DMC.  
  
(Disclaimer turns off.)  
  
.......Ooooookaaaaaaay....Well, anyway, there's a final appearence made by Skye Quisame and Sephy Chibi. Now here's the ending to AMLASMY.  
  
  
  
CHAPTER 13: RUN, YOU DAMN KLUTZ, RUN!!!!  
  
  
  
Mission 23: Mother's Guide  
  
Escape Mallet Island before it collapses.  
  
Even after that huge rumbling, Dante stands there and admires the counting down timer.  
  
".........Oooooh...pretty.."  
  
Alastor looks at Dante. " Uh...Dante?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You know the other timer way back after you fought Vergil?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You know that timer?"  
  
"Yeah...?"  
  
"Well, this is the same thing, except that if we stay here, the island will collapse on itself, and us with it!!"  
  
"Oh, cool, is that bad?"  
  
"Uh, yeah...."  
  
"Okay. Let's stay!"  
  
"RUN YOU FOOL!!!"  
  
"But--"  
  
"SHUT UP AND RUN YOU DAMN KLUTZ!!"  
  
Alastor gives a shock to Dante, causing him to run out the door DT Speed. Dante whips out his Bazooka, and fires 12 shots at all the ugly bastards, and runs through the door.  
  
He barely notices, luckily, the two Plasmas playing Cards (He likes to play cards) and continues through the door.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"Hey Trish," Sparda said, immbeded into the floor. "How much time is left?"  
  
"How the hell should I know?? I can't see the timer from here!!" Trish says resting on her arms.  
  
"Go and check."  
  
"You do it! I'm tired!"  
  
"Well, I'm Immobile!! YOU can at least crawl!!"  
  
"Alright, alright."  
  
".......bitch."  
  
Trish crawls over. "........Two minutes....and 23 seconds." She crawls back to Sparda. "and this is for calling me bitch."  
  
She fires her Yellow electricity at Sparda, so much that the ground cracks, and shatters.  
  
"YAY!" Sparda shouts. "I AM FREE!!!" he falls over a onto the floor. "Damn. Hey Trish, I need help to start floating."  
  
Trish crawls over on stands Sparda up, who then hovers around.  
  
"Trish, 'Come with me if you want to live'."  
  
"Damn skippy!"  
  
Trish grab onto Sparda's hilt, and is carried off.  
  
  
  
Somewhere else...  
  
Chibi Seph is slicing everything down with his Chibi Masamune, while Skye is using her Really Really Large-Ass Laser Rifle (RRLALR).  
  
"Hey, Skye! How much time left?!" Sephy shouts after lopping the head off a Nobody, then getting covered in it's spaz juices. "Ewwww!!!"  
  
Sky looks up at the timer, after ripping a new one on a Blade. ".....1 minute, and 2 seconds. "  
  
Just after that, 3 plasmas appear, cackling their little lightning cackles. After firing her RRLALR, at all of them, each one easily dodged.  
  
"I'LL GET EM!!" Chibi Sephy shouts, leaping heroically onto the air, then falling on his face. He was quickly on his feet, and sicing away the the Plasmas. After a few seconds, each one was lying in 34-47 pieces. Chibi Seph turns around.  
  
"GIMME SOME O THAT SUGAR BABY!!"  
  
He then notices Skye's running away, and has left her Laser Rifle spinning in the air, and then it falls to the ground. He then notices the blue light behind him. The pieces of Plasma have turned into whole Plasmas!  
  
"................OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH SHHHHHIIIIIIIIT." And runs away after Skye.  
  
  
  
And Now back to our hero...  
  
Dante, now in the circular Hall, blows away the Beezlebubs, and enters the plane room. He takes a single step, and the floor collapses. He falls, screaming so loud that a Chinese Ming Vase Store's Vases shatter, causing it to go out of business.  
  
Dante lands in the sewers, and watches as the door is blocked off. Mundus appears, via Teleportation Rift, with some weird ass symbols apearing in the process.  
  
"I MUST DESTROY YOU SON OF SPARDA," Mundus says in his loud booming voice. "BUT I'M LATE FOR MY DENTAL APPOINTMENT. I MUST GO!!"  
  
"What the hell are you talking about? there's no place TO go, look around." Dante said, looking at the same Moth that led him around.  
  
"OH? WELL, THAT SAVES ME THE TIME OF GOING AND COMING BACK TO SMASH YOUR ASS, NOW DON'T IT?" Mundus notices the moth, and laser eyes it.  
  
Dante drops to his knees. "YOU BASTARD!! YOU DAMN, DIRTY BASTARD!!! YOU KILLED MY ONLY FRIEND!! HE NEVER HURT ANYONE!!!"  
  
Alastor and Ifrit look annoyed.  
  
"And you say this guy was your boyfriend?" Ifrit said.  
  
"Uh....no, I've never seen this guy in my whole life." Alastor said.  
  
  
  
Dante proceedes to striketh vengance unto the angelic demon thing that speaketh in loud booming voice.  
  
  
  
TRANSLATION: Dante starts to kick the unholy crap outto of Mundus' unholy ass.  
  
Dante is now panting even though he's only been fighting for 5 seconds.  
  
"HAHA! YOU SUCK DEMON BOY."  
  
Suddenly, Dante's mother is heard.  
  
"Come on Dante...you can do it...GET OFF YOUR ASS KID, AND START SHOOTING MR. ANGEL OVER THERE!!!!"  
  
This causes Dante to sit there and cry.  
  
The curtain that appeared out of nowhere fall to the sewer floor, revealing Sparda and Trish playing with the Microphone. They however do not notice.  
  
"I love messing with Dante's mind!!" Trish said.  
  
"Hahaha....he's so damn retarded!" Sparda said, before seeing their cover was blown. "SHIT!"  
  
Skye appears in one of the pipes, as does Chibi Sephy,  
  
"Hi Dante!"  
  
Dante looks up, smiling. "Hi, Skye!" He goes back to crying. Trish then has an idea that'll get rid of Mundus.  
  
"Dante, use my power!"  
  
"No, Dante!! Use my super secret weapon!!!" Skye shouts pulling out her Bag of Holding, and searches for a weapon of some kind.  
  
She pulls out various things, like "Pookie's Guide to Getting Capcom Characters to Follow You Home", "How to Make Peace With Heavy Firepower", Devil May Cry II, Devil May Cry Strategy Guide, A twig, a Pet Rock, Boo (Minsc's Hamster from Baldur's Gate), A Swiss-Army Knife, a few boxes of Pulse Ammo, Final Fantasy VIII, a Dictionary, an HEV Suit, an empty Glock, The Big Metal Unit, The Big Metal Rod, Purifier +5, a snapped in half Shotgun, the T-Virus Vaccine, A Barrel of Monkeys, A Ballpoint Pen, A few Markers, a Laptop, Carsomyr +6, Blessed Bracers, a No-Smoking sign, a Singing Fish, a picture of Dante, Chibi Cloud, Nanaki's Chew Toy, Eiko Carol, Mog, Mag, Mogri, Kupo, A PS2, a wrench, a fully loaded Laser Launcher (the trigger is busted, so it won't fire) , Icewind Dale, 45 Scrolls, a Symbiote in a Container a Ruler, Werewolf: The Apocalypse, a Crossbow with no ammo, various dice, and and a pencil sharpener with pencils.  
  
"Where the hell is it?!" Skye shouts, pouring all of the other miscellenious crap onto the floor. Before the tiny metallic "ting" is heard. She drops the bag, and picks up...(gasp) Could it be...? YES!! THE SPORK OF POWER!! Lost for over 10 millenia, it has finally been found, and the weilder is given great powers to use only for truth, justice, and the American way!  
  
"Hold on..." says Trish. "I'm giving him my power, making him capable of blasting a Goddamn hole through a six foot wall, two trees and a car with a Handgun...AND YOU'RE GIVING HIM A F--KING SPORK????"  
  
"Well..." said Chibi Sephiroth, kicking Cloud. "Yeah, that's about it."  
  
"Not just any Spork," Skye said holding the Spork up again. "THE SPORK OF POWER!! Lost for over 10 millenia, it has finally been found, and the weilder is--"  
  
"Skye, we get the point." Ifrit said.  
  
"Guys, I'd hate to be a spoiled sport...but Mallet Isle's gonna collapse soon." Sparda said.  
  
Just then, Dante ran up to Skye, took the SOP, and threw it at Mundus, who disappeared in a Flash of Light.  
  
".......Oh..........My God....." Alastor, Ifrit, Sparda, the Chibi Sephiroth, and Trish said.  
  
"Dante, did you actually get the intelligence to know that the Spork of Power would defeat Mundus in a single Blow?" Trish asks in awe.  
  
"No, I wanted to avenge my insect friend because Mundus killed him, so I decided to throw something at him."  
  
"Figures," Ifrit said. "I knew a smart Dante was too good to be true." Skye smacks him. "OW!"  
  
Suddenly, the plane falls through the floor.  
  
Skye looks over at the plane. "Who's gonna fly that thing?"  
  
Dante raises his hand.  
  
"Uh oh." All say.  
  
  
  
Dante, going full throttle, is laughing maniacally as his "friends" hold onto there seats trying not to shit their pants. He's also firing ammo like a Psychotic Chipmunk on drugs.  
  
He races toward the exit, and goes soaring into the sky, with a trail of purple smoke behind him. Mallet now resembles an overdone piece of whole wheat toast....Dante also regains his normal state of mind  
  
  
  
Back in the City, Dante actually got enough money to pay for a Pink Neon Sign that said "Devil Never Cry". He could not however, remove the neon lady next to it. so he decided to add guns to it.  
  
The Phone Rings, and Trish answers it. "Devil Never Cry........yeah....okay..." she hangs up. "This one has the password...remember to write it down this time."  
  
"Okay," Dante says. "Let's get this over with in ten minutes, and not let a single one of those suckers live."  
  
The front door opens, showing Trish with Sparda on her Back, Dante with Alastor and Ifrit, and Skye with a Plasma Rifle.  
  
"5 minutes." Skye said, loading the P. Rifle.  
  
"More than enough."  
  
Suddenly, Chibi Sephiroth steps from inside the Doorway, wearing sunglasses, and Bandana,and holding two Automatic Pistols.  
  
"Hell, let's go for the New York Minute Baby!!" He accidentally fires a shot at the screen causing it to Black out. "......Oh Shit."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
END  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Please be on the Lookout for Funny Parodies like this, in...  
  
Spider-Man  
  
Baldur's Gate  
  
Fear Effect  
  
Dino Crisis  
  
Half-Life 


End file.
